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To The Unfinished Things I Meant To Do

September 11, 2013

I realize I start a lot of projects and never end up finishing them–either through a lack of determination or a lack of desire or I hate it. I think of all of the things I could’ve finished and all of the things I could’ve accomplished but did not and it overwhelms me. It sucks that I have all of these great ideas and nothing ever materializes. None of them that you, my audience will ever see, but pieces and notes and ideas that are in the background that stare at me every time I look at them like some scar or monument to my failure to realize or conceptualize what I want.

I know I’m not the oddball, either. I know that everyone’s got things they’ve never finished or have never started and that’s rather sad. Maybe it’s a great idea for a novel or some new machine that will totally revolutionize the way we see our world. Why does that happen? Where do those ideas go? Do we just abandon them and allow them to rust and fade away from our lives? I would hope those dreams and desires still exist within the people that make them, but I also know too often that people dismiss them as ‘just a dream’–well…yeah…you never did anything with it.

I know it’s easy to sit up in the sky and look down on those who’ve failed to accomplish their desires, because that’s what human nature is about: we judge ourselves by things we’ve done and things we haven’t done. I know I do this a lot. Constantly judging, constantly shaming, constantly saying you’re no good and you don’t deserve better–and this is how I feel about me! So when I see a friend who’s got a creative spark I try to encourage it and nurture it so it never dies out, because I see how they feel about their talents in myself and I know the constant drumbeat of: could’ve done better, could’ve done this, but you’re just not good. I know that and I want to crush it.

I want that thought stamped out and I hope that if I inspire someone to stick to their dreams that maybe it offers hope for myself–or I think it’s hope. Maybe it’s not wanting to see someone else give-up so easily on a gift. Either way, I try to destroy the shame. I try to fight in in vain when I realize I’m really trying to fight myself; to better myself, to change who I am. I have higher aspirations. I had higher aspirations and somewhere between now and then I left too many threads unfinished–too many things undone. And I grasp and claw at those threads and want to make them work, but end up getting discouraged when one thread does not lead to the other–to my desired goal.

And in the end I too give-up. I give up on my dreams when I should follow them. I shouldn’t leave so much stuff unfinished, unsaid, unmade. I shouldn’t do that and I’m trying to start a new path for myself that diverges from my past and I’m somewhat succeeding, I hope I’m succeeding. But then things are being left unfinished again…

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