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The White Of Loneliness And Being Single

September 30, 2013

All that I could be
Is all that I’ll never be
Obsessed with this journey
Of houses and money
With nothing to play for
Where no one looks at me
That’s all I need now the Devil’s inside me

Hello? Yes? I’m not too sure who I’m meant to be
Did you want the priest or the adversary?
I’d blow your mind when I’m up high, to fall back down again
Up high, to fall back down again — Matt Berry, ‘Devil Inside Me’

This is probably going to sound a little…whiny teenage goth in the middle of winter, but I’ve been thinking of my loneliness lately and what it feels like and how difficult it is to put in to words. I’ve had this post in my head for a week and have been writing and re-writing it mentally until I become frustrated and stop. See, color psychology has associations for various colors and their meanings according to cultural views and such; it’s a really fascinating topic that I encourage everyone to look into as it shows how easily manipulated we can become just by using color. Anyway, as you can guess from the title of this entry I’ve ‘discovered’ the color for my loneliness and why it grinds on my mind constantly.

It’s white. Now, you’re wondering: ‘Why white?’ Or maybe you’re not. White isn’t really a color but a reflection of all colors, but it’s that absence of color that describes what it’s like for my on a daily basis: it’s being lost and adrift in a snowfield with no one else around. With no color to while away the time. It’s the absence of everything that makes a person happy and also the absence of color. The transient stuff like video games and entertainment are great, but real human interaction is sought after and unlike my brother and several friends, I don’t mind people to the point I hate them. In fact I love being around people and hearing and experiencing new things.

‘Just change it!’ I hear constantly and change is good, but my problem is I’ve never felt powerful. I’ve never had that feeling where I can control a room just by being in it. I’ve always tried to make myself ‘small’ and unnoticed–I suppose Robert Fulghum would have a field day with that…but that’s me. I try not to be noticed and it’s become a rote behavior now. I don’t even need to try to become invisible–I just am now and it sucks and consequently I feel like I suck as well because I know I should change it, but I don’t know where to begin.

I do know a few things, though: I’m tired of hiding and I’m tired of being alone. I have my family and a few friends I occasionally see and that’s it. I want more from my life. I want to feel like I’m doing more than just staying as this static person that never changes and becomes less and less important to the people around me the older I get, hell, I feel that way now and my friends still talk to me.

I’m also tired of being single which I guess goes along with the loneliness, but to me they’re separate issues. I’m single because I refuse to get out of my rut and my rut is why I’m single. I also don’t get this whole, ‘Being single is great!’ Thing. Yeah, sure, if you’re single and you’re out dating, having a sex life, having a social life, yeah…it’s great. For me it’s just a point of shame and a point of embarassment. Being single, for me, hasn’t been great and you’ll never convince me that it is because it just isn’t. It’s…failure. It’s a constant reminder of my inability to stay motivated. I can’t even ask out someone I know very well properly without it being awkward as hell. It’s terrible.

You know, some days (and I do have them quite often) I really enjoy being me and being who I am, but tonight I’m feeling really down on myself and seeing all of my faults and my cracks where I’ve yet to fill them in with something and I’m just feeling…fragile.

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