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There Are Rules, Damnit!

October 5, 2013

One of my deepest insecurities is whether I’m ‘doing it right’. Doesn’t matter if it’s driving, drawing, or anything in-between–I always feel I’m doing ‘it’ wrong. And I always worry about doing ‘it’ right. The only thing is that I have no idea where this desire sprung forth from as my parents were never overly strict, my teachers were okay if I did something differently provided it wasn’t mathematics, and my friends aren’t overly strict. So I have no clue where it comes from; maybe it’s a desire to not look stupid or flawed lest anyone’s opinion of me lower. As a person with a disability there was always the question of ‘is he ‘slow’?’ which always stung because mentally I’ve been pretty normal and the physical limitations are just that–limitations, but not anything that gives the impression I’m stupid.

So maybe it comes from that and I guess being the only kid in class with a disability kind of put some pressure on me to prove my worth. No, I didn’t go all hyper-competitive, but it did add some pressure. I think. I don’t know. All I really remember about my mentality from that time is that I was really awkward, I laughed at whatever funny thing popped into my head, and I fucking hated Handi-Man on In Living Color. I’m normally not one to wear my physical attributes on my sleeve, but that damn skit certainly was a sore spot that people liked to exploit.

Anyway, tangent aside…this worry of doing something the wrong way is a pain and it wasn’t until I met my creative writing professor that I really started to shed most of this worry of doing something wrong. Oddly enough it came on her lecture on poetry. See, for years I always had this image of poetry being this massively rule-based form of writing that I was never going to be able to do besides limericks. And then she explained that no–poetry is as fluid and rule-free as any other form of art. I know, that’s plainly obvious, but again: there are rules, damnit and I must adhere to them lest someone laugh at me or think of me as a fool…or…it shows I’m not quite a person.

I’m not saying. I’m completely cured of this rule obsessiveness and thinking I’m doing something wrong as I get that feeling every time I write an entry for this page, ‘Am I doing this right?’, ‘Will people like this entry?, ‘Will anyone read this entry?’, ‘Does this seem too whiny?’ Etc. etc. it’s stupid and foolish and I know that this is my personal space to vent my thoughts, but I still worry that I’m even doing that right. However, I have the ace up my sleeve: I post it anyway. Aha! Fighting against the Man and his rules!

And now a poem I wrote a while ago:

The Golden Mourning

Sun breaks at dawn
Bathing us in its light
The warmth comes in waves
All around us
Healing our broken hearts
Uplifting those with no hope

All of the sorrow fades
And we feel our souls again
The waves ride high
Breathing in new life
Then we feel alive
If only for a day

One Comment leave one →
  1. Marleen permalink
    October 6, 2013 4:26 am

    Love the poem 🙂

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