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The Greatest Trick I Ever Pulled Was Convincing The World I Didn’t Exist.

October 13, 2013

“Hide-and-seek, grown-up style. Wanting to hide. Needing to be sought. Confused about being found.” –Robert Fulghum

This being October and full of ghosts and zombies and sexy Robins (Robin was always sexy, don’t lie) I thought I’d talk about my haunting. Ooooohhhhoooohhhhh…..scared yet? I am. I don’t think hauntings are real, but I do think that people can haunt their lives while they’re living in them. This crops up especially with anyone that has any sort of mental issues. You can just…disappear. But not really. A part of you will always exist in some form; for me it has been through text messages and IM’s. I’ve never been a strong social person despite wanting to be in my dark hours, but I did have somewhat of a social life a long time ago that sort of went away. Then the driving, then the schooling, then came the hypochondria and agoraphobia.

Bit by bit my world was ripped away from me until I virtually only existed in text form. And no, I don’t blame my anxiety for that–I blame the years of being online for that where it created this comfort zone that I didn’t, and still kind of don’t, want to leave. Text is easier. I think it, type it, edit it, regurgitate it and the funneh springs forth. Even this is a bit of that comfort zone. So it ended up that I ended up with my one and only love: my computer. I swear that Rod Serling couldn’t create anything more fitting than this.

It’s gotten to point that I question whether I exist anymore or if my internet personality is all that’s left. See, if this were a gangster movie and my name were Keyser Soze you’d all be lapping this shit up, but I’m not. I’m just John and I don’t do parties, I don’t get drunk at bars, I have someone I have genuine feelings for, and a friend with a hall pass* and this is all sadly pathetic, but I feel it’s more common than some people think. I realize I’ll always be terribly introverted and I accept that, but I do have the extroverted side of myself that I’ve neglected and I hate it. Fortunately my car is completely fixed and I can get on with my life again. That’s an immensely powerful feeling.

*Friend With A Hall Pass: sort of like friends with benefits only no sex-sex, just a lot of foreplay, making out, and cuddling.

Right now, though, I’ve been thinking about how I’m like a ghost: my friends barely acknowledge I exist outside of my computer or phone anymore, occasionally they’ll see me in person briefly, and there’s a lot of moaning (oooooohhh….yeah). I think ghosts are scary because they remind us that we can get attached to places and eventually get stuck in them, that we may linger on more than we want to, and that some regrets and actions can’t be undone but repeated for the whole of time. So this is me: I want to exist, I want to be more than who I am, I’m not who my friends see me as, and hopefully I can stop haunting my life.

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