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Highway To The Comfort Zone

October 20, 2013

I had an epiphany but my epiphanies aren’t interesting as they’re always happening and I’m usually wrong. But I do think this one nails things on the head, as it were–that being that I’m afraid of success. I was kind of horrified at that prospect and I wrestled with my psyche who was definitely a challenge yet prevailed over me. I was going over every little facet of my life as I’m broke and my friends are often doing better things and I’m still not where I want to be with the driving. Soo…plenty of time to think and think I did!

I remember how failure’s never been such a big deal to me. I live in failure and can do failure very easily as I’m…err…used to it and how my cheeks would flush when I’d receive any sort of praise for my work and how I’d start feeling hotter than normal when I succeed. I honestly think the feeling unnerves me as it feels very close to a panic attack. Also success involves putting yourself out there and what if you fail? Well, I’m okay with the failure, but what if I succeed? People will ask me to do…things. If I succeed I’ll actually have to start making my own decisions rather than asking for advice or help.

I thought about all of this because I was being lazy on this story I’m writing and I’m really excited about it, but I procrastinate the hell our of getting this story written. I think it is possible to get too comfortable with a routine and the routine I’ve had has not been doing much of anything that could better my career (what career?) or anything else. It’s not just success–I’m just afraid to commit to anything. It scares me; it scares me that I could be this way and that I could be this complacent and be a-okay with the way things are even though I’m not, not really. I lament these things and want to change them, but I’m afraid to do so as that’s icky and uncomfortable and I may have to face down my fears–we can’t have that! I also find it odd that I’m completely okay with failure in one aspect of my life (professionally) but completely scared witless of failure in another side of my life (romance).

Once again: anxiety, fear, life, the big yawn, etc. make no flippin’ sense.

P.S. i also do my best thinking at night.

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