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The Light That Burns Twice As Bright Burns Half As Long

October 26, 2013

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I remember sharing my medical history with my friend at one point like how many times I’d gotten pneumonia on my birthday where it got to the point a rain cloud seemed to hover over that day for me, and how patio glass shooting into the back wasn’t much fun. As I was recounting these tales of woe I felt a little bit of mirth in recounting them–oh, sure, they weren’t funny at the time, but they’re a part of who I am and what I’ve experienced. So they were important and then I started thinking about how looking forward to the future was so fun at one point, ‘Follow your dreams!’ I was told and I sure had a lot of them.

When I was 6 I wanted to be an actor and when I was 10 I wanted to be a lawyer (aim for big money, big money no whammy no whammy!) and then I wanted to be an author (still do) and around the 8th grade I wanted to be an actor again; a psychiatrist and I finally settled on graphic designer. These all seemed exciting to me at various points in my life and I sit back and wonder where things…went…not necessarily wrong, but why they changed and why I ended up becoming such a neurotic mess.

This was my future and I should’ve treated it with more care than I have and if I could say anything to my younger self I’d say I’m sorry. I know it’s probably what a vast majority whose lives haven’t turned out how they planned must feel. But I am sorry to that 4 year old me and that 6 year old and…really, all the way up through my teenage years. I know it helps nothing to dwell on the past and I’m not, not really. I have this crestfallen feeling when I think about things and the wasted opportunities and chances; it feels like being the hero that repeated refused to heed The Call and now seeing the opportunities pass by I know what I miss and what could’ve been. But again: not dwelling.

I am only 31 so there’s plenty of future ahead of me and I walked over a mile yesterday and miraculously am okay and feeling better for having done it. So I can still surprise myself even if the future isn’t as exciting as it was when I was a child. I’ve nearly purged my cynical tendencies as well. Aaaand since beginning this journey in February of maintaining a constant presence here I can say I’ve been very successful. Now to really get somewhere and turn things around. I hope I can do it.

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