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No More Hall Pass

October 31, 2013

I ended things tonight with my friend with a hall pass and I thought I’d feel a great sense of relief (the relief is there) but I also feel a sense of remorse. Mostly at having to crush someone or maybe crush them. I don’t know if it meant anything more than that for her. It certainly meant something to me: a sex life of sorts and physical intimacy. I admit I’ll miss that, but my reasons for bringing down the hammer were twofold 1) I feel we’d settled into this unhealthy pattern where she’d get pissed at something, I try to point out how trivial that something was, ‘We’re not gonna talk about it,’ rinse and repeat. And 2) it kept me from moving on.

You know those ghost stories where the ghost ‘hangs around beyond what is necessary’? Well, same here. I was hanging on out of a misguided notion that this was all there was for me. That we’d be playing this same tune over and over and nothing would change because I’d convinced myself that that that was the best I could do or all I’d ever have. And…as much as I lament my lack of a love life, sexual prowess, or anything approaching confidence…yeah, I don’t think that’s all there is for me and holding on to that just kept me from moving on out of fear.

Again, I’ll miss the intimacy because I sort of crave that [insert man with vagina jokes here] but I don’t think holding onto something that was never going to go much further was exactly the best thing to do. I’ll cherish the moments and remember them fondly, but I need to get moving. I need to progress and to be the man I think I should be and the man I want to be. It is funny, though, when I was a horny teenager who thought about sex all the time (I still do!) I thought, ‘Man…sex without attachment. That’s the greatest thing ever.’ And I got a taste of it and while I agree it is a pretty fun thing in the moment, the times when I wasn’t with her felt very empty and hallow and I never felt…secure. Admittedly you could probably make the case that ‘it was wuv’ but I don’t think so, because I knew we’d be terrible as a couple given how schizophrenic our even mild relationship could be.

I just felt like shit. And I still feel like shit, but at least I know I’m not grasping to something out of fear and that as horrible as my record with women may be, at least I’ll be in control of that. So when and if I ever meet someone that does genuinely desire to be with me that I don’t have any kind of doubt. That I know in my heart that I’ll want to be with them without any sort of tenuous attachment keeping me from giving it my all.

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