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How To Be A Successful Liar

November 13, 2013

I’m a bad liar–okay, I’m not a bad liar myself, but I lie about small things and generally things that harm no one. That’s not always been the case, I have lied about bigger things and only successfully got away with it once. Usually when I lie I tell a kernel of truth to it to make the lie more believable. Recently I had an experience with someone claiming to represent something that they really have no respect for. So this is a tip for anyone that wants to be an asshole and convince people they’re really not.

1) Pretend to be tolerant – This is pretty self-explanatory, but maybe not so here’s some tips: use vague language like, ‘I’m tolerant of everyone’s views no matter how awful.’ Admittedly I haven’t always been tolerant of views I opposed–in fact I’ve been downright hateful towards gun owners, pro-lifers, and any other conservative. So don’t do that. Be as vague as possible. The vaguer the better.

2) Plant seeds of doubt – Make the person with a disagreeing viewpoint think they might be wrong in their opinion and say things like, ‘I know you’re smarter than that/this,’ and, ‘Why are you being so negative?’ Or anything that sounds encouraging that has the invisible caveat, ‘but you’re wrong,’ and say it with conviction. Milk that cow for all it’s worth to make it appear as if you genuinely care about their view.

3) Then swiftly bully them – Browbeat them into thinking they’re wrong by any means necessary including name-calling and up to outright harassment. This works especially well if you’re in an online argument with multiple venues to tell the person they’re horrible for thinking how they think and why the hell would you think that way? Look at what an asshole you are! Include multiple exclamation points to get your point across. Physical violence is also acceptable if you’re face to face. Not so much hitting, but shoving.

4) Pretend you weren’t the bully, they were – No you weren’t verbally abusing them. You were merely ‘correcting’ their line of thinking which happened to differ from yours and it was so obviously wrong that you had to berate them that you had to voice your ‘concerns’ about their opinion which was harming no one else.

And that, ladies and gents, is how you successfully lie to people whilst making them believe you’re actually concerned about them. Naturally if you’re a hate group this won’t work because let’s face it: you’re a hate group. This list sprung up from an incident last week with an acquaintance of mine who took issue with an opinion of mine and then rage quit when they found their bullying didn’t have the intended effect. Rage quitting in this case is blocking.

It was your usual run of the mill internet feud that ended in the most childish way ever. The ‘critique’ being that my opinion ‘barely is a thesis’ which is funny as you’re arguing on facebook…not the American Journal Of Medicine or the American Psychiatric Association, I think I can get away with not having an academic paper backing up my opinion. Not only were they rude and hostile, but they chimed in as the initial conversation was dying down which was pretty civil up until that point. I’ve had debates with gun owners that were less stupid than this conversation. So moral of the story: if someone claims they’re tolerant, they’re probably not. Actions speak louder than words, etc.etc.

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