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I Don’t Like Giving Up Control

November 25, 2013

The title is what I tell people when they wonder why I don’t drink to get drunk or smoke weed or anything. And it’s true enough. I feel like doing that would be giving up control, however, I had an answer to it today and oddly it was inspired after last night: I’d already given up control. True, this isn’t earth-shattering or surprising or…whatever. None of these thoughts ever are and it quite surprised me how receptive people are to this web log. Soo…thanks! But back on topic: I’ve given up control in my own way with the constant messiness of my room with the laziness of just not doing anything when I clearly can.

I also slept like shit last night so if anyone’s wondering why these thoughts are kinda jumbled…there ya go. Anyway, I realized that with the lack of respect I was showing myself by being inactive that I was effectively giving up control–the very thing I always said I was afraid to give up whether it’s with drinking, riding a rollercoaster, flying in a plane, etc. All that time I was telling myself, “I don’t want to give up control,” it started sounding like bullshit every time I made that excuse. At first it was true when I didn’t want to get drunk. Then my first time smoking weed (which I was cajoled into doing anyway). After repetition it all just sounded like a lie to keep from doing anything and it was.

I’ve had two therapists in my life with dealing with my anxiety and they were both awesome and got me where I am now and their advice has stuck with me but I forgot the advice of my first one: “Excuses work because they’re true,” he used to tell me. That phrase was drilled into my mind, but I lost that lesson. I kept making excuses–and still do, mostly and they work for me because they’re all true. I think there needs to be an addition to that phrase, though. “Excuses work because they’re true, but they won’t make you happy,” I sit here and type this and I do feel contentment about things but I wouldn’t say I’m happy.

Happiness to me is doing things and being productive and it took me a long time to come to that conclusion. Despite sleeping like shit I’ve managed to cook my own breakfast, clean up my mess, wash my dishes, exercise, critique my friend’s podcast, and now I’m doing laundry. The fact that that’s actually making me feel…’happy’ is a good sign. I know what I like. I like being active and I feel like I’m making progress toward…something. Being a human, I guess. Or finding my happy ending. Yeah, there will be times here where I lament things, but for once I found I’m happier doing stuff (even if it’s rather menial and obvious stuff) than I am being lazy and unproductive.

You’ve read it here first folks: acting like an adult actually makes a person happy. And for my next trick I will regale you with the amazing discovery that water is wet and that the Earth is tilted.

Seriously, beyond my discounting this piece of knowledge as very trivial I think it comes down to respect: Do you respect yourself enough to make an effort? I really have trouble respecting who I am and what I feel I’m worth as a person, but I’m learning to respect myself and it starts today by not being a lazy shithead.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. Marleen permalink
    November 25, 2013 3:06 pm

    Awesome post 🙂

    • November 27, 2013 11:18 pm

      Thank you. My steam lasted all of a day. I flamed out, at least on doing things.

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