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I Forgot My Phone

November 25, 2013

This feels like an incredibly trivial entry and it is a really short story, but I forgot my phone at home today when I went out and I was fine with it. I was actually really pleased with myself as anyone who knows me in person will tell you I’m always with my phone as I have a heart rate monitor on it to measure my anxiety and it’s become a bit of an obsessive habit–which is also disappearing. I’m really happy about that and that I can feel myself becoming mentally tougher. Or reconstituting who I was before. I also have lost 5lbs. So there’s that too. I guess things are looking up, but I do have my moments and tonight kind of got to me.

I’ve retread this before in my Halloween entry but I increasingly feel left out and I feel guilty for when I ask friends to do anything. Then either I or my friend flakes out and I’m left doing nothing again and it kind of bugs me. I should do more and I should go out more, but I have no reason to and I hope and wait for friends to ask to do something but they never do. I don’t blame them as I haven’t been very near and dear to anyone for a few years. So I might as well not exist–or at least that’s what I tell myself. I also went over this in one of my earlier entries as well. My thoughts tend to loop around a lot and I think about them a lot, but I never get too motivated to change the, until 11pm at night and by then it’s a little late for courage.

Sooo…that’s my life in a nutshell at present: quiet desperation that clings to me like a foul stench and I can’t shake my guilt about not valuing who I am. I’d like to see myself as brash and impulsive and I really do love that about some of my friends, but I’m not. I’m overly cautious and back down way too easily. I hate this side of myself as it causes me more emotional stress than probably actually doing something would and yet I still do nothing. And I ask for nothing of anyone.

Hey, I’m the perfect friend: I can talk to you endlessly, you’ll never have to see me face to face, and I’ll hardly ever ask to see you face to face because I feel overly guilty about it when I do and then on the off-chance when I do ask to hang out you can flake out on me and I’ll accept it because I’ve flaked out so much in the last few years my nickname could be ‘Dandruff’. If that sounded bitter it’s because I really loathe how I’ve acted in the past and want to change it but I’m having trouble doing so. It’s a, ‘you wanna act but you can’t,’ sort of deal and I hate it. I was writing this part as its own separate entry and found it way too mopey. This is also probably too mopey, but it’s like…real, man. And the kids today value real people, right?

Actually, no they don’t. They hate anyone who questions their worldview and will violently shut you out of their lives for daring to not kiss their their ring and tell them how great they are. Anyway, the progress I’ve made is great but I wish I could do more and being home almost constantly isn’t helping things, but I have managed to be mostly panic free all this time where before I would’ve lost my head. Soo…that’s something, right?

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