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Melting Under The Light Of Reality

December 12, 2013

So for once in my life
Let me get what I want
Lord knows, it would be the first time
Lord knows, it would be the first time

I’ve been dormant since Friday because I was, and still am licking my wounds. That’s not to say what occurred was particularly mean or nasty, just that it takes me a lot of effort to do these things and a, ‘No,’ usually saps whatever confidence I had managed to scrape together. And as my prospects have looked ever bleaker as the years go on I may or may not have told my friend that if I’m single by the time I’m 40 that I may as well hang myself. That may have happened or it may not have. So you can see the level of shatter involved when these things happen–as rare as they are.

I don’t know why I take these things that hard to where mentally I reside in the basement, but I do. I guess it’s because I feel like it’s because of a fundamental flaw in who I am that I don’t know about. Granted as much I scour my psyche I ought to know about it. And maybe this is why they say no–because I do have a sad sack personality. Or at least when it comes to this subject. I don’t know. Although I have a hard time seeing things improving because of this very thing, so it works in a cycle.

Shaky courage > rejection > self-pity/blame > rinse and repeat.

All I know is that I don’t really blame the person saying no, but I do blame myself and quite heavily to where it’s always a, ‘Why bother?’ scenario. The funny thing is that through the years I’ve claimed I’m ‘the man with no ego’ but I think that lie’s wearing thin because I obviously have enough of one for it to be demolished and rebuilt, however badly. I…just have trouble rebuilding myself and masking the pain.

The real bright point right now is that I’ve managed to be disciplined enough with eating and exercise that I have managed to lose 6lbs and it’s a nice start to fixing things, but my nights–lately–have been reserved for the sort of mental self-flagellation that keeps me feeling weighed down by things and I’m not even sure what could fix it.

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