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Today Will Be A Good Day

December 22, 2013

I have a reminder set for every day on my phone, ‘Today will be a good day.’ And I keep wondering about it and wondering if I feel the same as I did when I initially wrote it about about two years ago. See, when I wrote it I was having panic attacks and had trouble sleeping and was really sinking back into some nasty habits. So I wrote it as sort of a reminder to myself to enjoy each day and that it’ll be good. Sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn’t. I guess that’s equal parts success and failure. However lately I’ve been thinking that I should get rid of it as it feels no longer relevant to the present version of myself.

I’m not going through anything too serious and I’m not having too many issues. So why not? I continue thinking I should, but then I don’t. I wrote before about how I feel I let my childhood self down with how I am now and how I don’t want to live feeling like I let some past version of myself down. That’s why every midnight on schedule it feels like a past version of myself reminding me of who I was and how far I’ve come. To delete it now just feels…wrong.

I realize that this is a silly, trivial thing to think about in that way, but oddly it feels that every day I see it and the next day isn’t so bad I feel that, for once, I didn’t let myself down. That I can have some pride in changing things for the better for myself. That that worried man can smile with pride that I haven’t let him down nor have I forgotten that he exists in some small way in me. I guess that’s really what I want to do for myself: to know that I haven’t let myself down yet again, that I’m not a fuck-up. It feels good–even if I’m not always shooting for the stars or falling below the expectations of that mantra, ‘Today is going to be a good day,’ and I can finally believe that it will be.

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