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King of Futile Gestures

January 2, 2014

Sorry for no 2013 recap. Here’s the snippet: it’s over. I’m still here. And still…funky. Yay?

The last week has kind of sucked for me and my dad got a kidney transplant for Christmas so I should be extremely happy–and I am. But beyond that I’m…not. Or…at least not pleased either with myself or my situation. I’d go over the whole thing but I’ve been over it a thousand times and the short story is that I had feelings for someone, I took her for granted, she hurt me (I also hurt her a bit), I took out my frustrations on her, aaand…long story short back to feeling something for her again only there’s another guy now.

I said things too late. I’m not here to dwell on any of this because I feel dwelling just…makes things ugly, but I do hate this situation. I hate that I realized all of this ugliness too late and I hate that I’m my most honest when it honestly feels like no matter what I say matters…and I just want to yell, punch, do something…anything to get this feeling out. It’s like a shaken soda (or pop, if you’re alien) that feels constantly shaken and ready to explode. I even vowed to fight for this and I’m losing my nerve. Not so much because of things but because I don’t know what to do to change things and that pisses me off.

Even saying, ‘He’s going to hurt you,’ seems so hollow to say, in part because what have I done? And the other part is because it just sounds jealous and petty and stupid–even if deep down, I feel it’s the truth. So I’m doing my best to be quiet about things. I think maybe letting nature take its course wouldn’t be so bad, but then I’m nothing but a vulture at that point and right now I’m just tired. I’m tired of feeling these…things for these women and then quietly going, ‘Oh it’s okay. I’m okay.’ Then seeing them run off and get married and be happy while I’m alone and miserable. Well, it’s not okay! It’s not okay in the past and it’s not okay now and the only reason why I ever said it was okay because I lacked any self-worth.

I’ve done it too much. I’ve been ‘that guy’ too much. I’m tired of it happening and each time retreating because it hurts too bad. It’s a shitty existence and vulnerability’s never come easy to me. Hell, I spent 3 hours on the phone being vulnerable and it still didn’t feel easy. I still felt utterly stupid and pathetic. That was the whole point of restarting this blagh–to be vulnerable and to vent the shit that I couldn’t say in my daily life and I even failed at that. To quote, ‘When you’re vulnerable you get the shit kicked out of you,’ and that’s exactly what happened only this time it hasn’t turned into pain but more frustration and ache. Frustration because I feel powerless and ineffectual and ache because…well, that’s what happens when you feel strongly for someone and fear in your heart you’ve lost your chance.

It’s nice being able to sit on the throne of being the ‘nice guy’ but you know what the ‘nice guy’ gets? Jack shit. Because he’s too nice to speak up and always misses his chance. It’s great as a philosophy, but awful in practice. In fact, to prove that being ‘nice’ is bullshit here you go:

Nice. late 13c., “foolish, stupid, senseless,” from Old French nice (12c.) “careless, clumsy; weak; poor, needy; simple, stupid, silly, foolish,” from Latin nescius “ignorant, unaware,” literally “not-knowing,” from ne- “not” (see un-) + stem of scire “to know” (see science). “The sense development has been extraordinary, even for an adj.” [Weekley] — from “timid” (pre-1300); to “fussy, fastidious” (late 14c.); to “dainty, delicate” (c.1400); to “precise, careful” (1500s, preserved in such terms as a nice distinction and nice and early); to “agreeable, delightful” (1769); to “kind, thoughtful” (1830).

At its root it means ‘stupid’ and ‘foolish’ and that’s exaclty what I’ve felt being ‘nice’ all these years. And I don’t want to be nice, but I also don’t want to be underhanded. I just want to be judged on my own merits and it’s tough to feel secure with yourself when that’s the case because if you really hate certain aspects of yourself you’re going to have a bad time.

Anyway…enough of the rant. Thanks for reading, those that still bother.

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