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When A Man Goes To Sleep And He Wakes Up Alone

February 27, 2014

I had therapy today (yay…therapy) and my therapist pointed out that a lot of my problems stem from being idle–I’d always been under the impression that they were because I used my imagination too much, but I do see how being idle is affecting me. Instead it’s likely just being idle makes my imagination focus way too much on the shit that doesn’t matter in my life or bodily sensations that are harmless and coincidentally I jump on every little thing that I can think of that means my worry is, in fact, true. So I worry over worry and I worry that that’s causing me to miss most of my life–it is causing me to miss out on my life. This means I need to stay active or at least focused enough to push away the thoughts of impending doom.

I hate that it has to be this way, but I think it’s the best thing for me but I also am concerned that I’m going to feel the need to stay above a certain threshold lest the thoughts come back and I wreck myself. However, I think that’s been the problem all along: The idleness is the anxiety and I’m really just normally adjusted, but I’ve spent so much time being listless that I have time to think on these things. Make sense? I’m saying my normal state is normal and yeah, I’ve always had a little bit of anxiety, but not doing things just made the problem worse.

Also I’m in love with someone. So…that’s reason enough to keep pushing, right? Yeah. Most people say, “I looooove her/him,” and don’t really mean it–it’s just an act of desperation. In this case I can safely say that I love her. I love her looks, I love the goofiness, the sense of humor, her personality, the way she dresses, her smile–everything. I’ve honestly never felt this way about someone before and it scares me a little, because she might turn me down for this other guy. I kinda fucked up there in the past with being a horrible person, but I’m working on fixing it. We were also friends with some benefits aaand I decided after a period of time that we would work together despite my proclamations that we wouldn’t. I fucked up. And I continue being reminded of this fact every time I spend time with her and she’s not with me on the same level.

Since I’ve told her I feel this overwhelming drive to do stuff and to push myself. Yeah, it might not work out, but I’m keeping hope that it does. I think I can live with the uncertainty that this might not work–that she might not ever feel the same way I feel for her, but I hope she will eventually and I hope she gives me the chance. I’ve spent so many years running away from things that weren’t really certain and I felt that if I waited long enough that the time might eventually be right and the stars may line up in just the right order and blah blah blah. It’s all just mental masturbation which is less fun than actual masturbation and I realize this. I have to give in to some uncertainties at some point and I have to be willing to get my heart broken if they don’t work out while keeping a razor thin hope that they will.

 

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