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Online Dating Pt. II

May 12, 2014

I had a very weird experience on Saturday that followed into yesterday. Namely that I’ve answered truthfully about my sexual experience (virgin-ish, so no sex-sex yet). And someone messaged me thinking it odd that I was 31 and still hadn’t ‘done the deed’. I told them I liked sex, but I wanted to have an emotional connection with the person before I did it and I’ve only been with one person and we were both woefully inexperienced, but I did make a connection—anyway, I digress. She asked how I knew I liked sex if I’d never had it.

I replied: how does one know they like anything without trying it? Would you really need to eat feces to know it doesn’t taste good? No. Same principle, but it’s also a biological function: you’re trained from a very early age to like it, most of us anyway. So that was that, but then the real fun began:

She responded with hostility saying shit like, ‘I don’t want to date someone who’s so naive an argumentative and someone still ‘working on college.” Full disclosure: I’ve had this profile since at least 2007 and have never really updated some info. 1) I wasn’t aware that we had even discussed dating since she started the conversation off so rudely and 2) even if I were still in college…I’m not sure bettering myself is necessarily a crime.

So yeah…that was a bit odd and had never gotten that kind of attitude before from anyone. I made it clear in my profile that I just want to make friends at this point. Aaand…yeah, fucking weird and made me scratch my head. Plus the secret’s out: I’m a virgin. I don’t care, really. Actually, I’ll amend that: I don’t care who knows about it. There was a time where I had a lot of shame about it and the older I got without doing anything really dragged me down and I didn’t want to admit it. But now it’s just…whatever.

I chose not to randomly sleep around, risk an STD, pregnancy, and wait for a partner who really wanted to be with me. How horrible. The disgrace. Boo him! Boo this man!

I came to terms with it and anyone else that can’t then they can piss off, because I may not have had sex, but it’ll be worth it in the end. I think. To be sure: this isn’t some moral stand. No, I’m not a closet homosexual, no my kinks aren’t really fucked up, and no I’m not into children. Those tend to be the chief topics of discussion whenever I tell people of my lack of experience. I’m just an extremely shy person and I live within a shell of shame, self-loathing, and cynicism and it’s hard for me to make connections with people because I’m constantly attentive of body language, words, behavior, and since I go, ‘Fuck! I’m boring!’ constantly, I have trouble getting dates and meeting women.

It’s why all of my crushes have been friends first because I hate randomly walking up to women and asking for a number, email, facebook, etc. At least as a friend I somewhat know their behaviors and I can be comfortable with them. Yeah, I’m socially awkward. It’s not that I like this about myself, but I can’t fight my nature a lot of the time. So I’m left constantly wanting, constantly pining, and never attempting to move things forward.

With my friend Heather I’ve had all of these things and she’s never made me feel ashamed to be who I am and I actually feel very comfortable with her. She’s been my connection and I love it and I love her and I’m fighting for something that may or may not happen. But I’m saying, ‘Fuck it,’ to my cautious side and giving it a shot if she’s ever willing to be more. So there’s hope.

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