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The ‘Used To Be’ Man

July 30, 2014

I’m tired of the phrase ‘used to be’ in relation to who I am. People say that I ‘used to be’ this way or I ‘used to be’ that way—or worse: ‘used to be fun’. I wonder myself when I ceased being fun or fun to be around. I wasn’t always like this and I know I can only blame my anxiety so much before it seems like a voluntary state of being. I find myself sometimes searching for the beginning of when this all started in the hopes that I can find a cause.

Try as I might I never find that miracle bullet that explains all and I know I’ve probably told this tale before, but honestly, it is a recursive thought in my head that I keep going over and over about. I’ve relapsed horribly in my anxiety and you’d think I’d keep updating this web log as a form of catharsis…nope. I’ve stopped. And I don’t even know why I stopped. I guess I got a bad case of writers’ block and couldn’t push through it.

Bottom line: I’m tired of being the ‘used to be’ man because that person I ‘used to be’ used to be me. That’s a terrifying thought for me as I’ve given up so much and I’m so phobic now. When I restarted this web log a year and a half ago I wanted to post my vulnerability and be vulnerable and learn how to be vulnerable. Well, I’m my most vulnerable now and I have stories and thoughts worth sharing, too. So I’m going to start updating every day. Now this is my web log to be vulnerable and to explore my fight against my anxiet.

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