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First Step

July 31, 2014

I stayed home alone today, it’s been the first time I’ve been able to do that since January. I know, you look at that and say, ‘What?!’ But yeah, that’s what anxiety has done to me. It’s made staying home alone an accomplishment for me. I’d say this is an embarrassing thing to admit—and it is, but I feel like associating it a negative emotion like embarrassment isn’t progress at all.

So, yeah, anxiety has left me with the inability to do even simple tasks anymore and that’s where I am. I relapsed and I relapsed hard. I’m fighting back, though, and I plan to keep pushing myself and making myself uncomfortable because that’s what is necessary. And should a panic attack come…I’ll wrap it in my arms and give it a great big hug until the fucker wants to leave.

I will not fear this anymore and I won’t let bullshit control my life forevermore. I will persevere and make it through this on the other end okay. As Rocky said (shut up), ‘It’s not how hard you it; it’s how hard you can get hit and keep going.’ Well, I’ve been hit pretty fucking hard and I’m getting back up and not backing down this time.

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