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August 2, 2014

I’m back. I didn’t update yesterday and as they say in the 90’s…muh bad. So, I challenged my anxiety couple times yesterday by staying home for 15 minutes and succeeding and going out. Admittedly the going out was less anxiety-inducing than the staying home alone. But I did it twice and I succeeded at doing it. So a winner is me. Tomorrow I’m going up my mother’s for a cookout of sorts and surprising someone special. That should be fun. I keep reminding myself to stay in the present when things get too rough for me and it seems to be working.

This was obvious but put in a way that made sense to me: anxiety is about anything but the present. If you can find a way to ground yourself in the present then you can overcome your anxiety. It helps me to say it out loud, “Stay in the present,” because it crowds out any other thought I might have at that moment. I’m also attempting to lose more weight to go with the 13/14 pounds I’ve lost thus far. So that’s helping too. As well as updating this web log here. I think it gives me a good release of all of the crazy shit that’s in my head.

I do feel more confident in myself, to be sure, and it feels less like my world is ending now and more like my psyche is on the mend. The crappy part is I’m in such a sensitive state right now that one setback could crumble everything, but I’m not going to let it. I know this side of me very well by now and I’m learning each day how to defeat it without medication. That alone is a good sign. I see success, like most everything else, is a snowball and this one’s not quite past the point of no return yet but I feel like it’s getting there and as my friend, Robyn, keeps reminding me: “Any progress is an achievement and I will perceive it as such. Even maintenance is as achievement.”

And it is. And I will see it as such.

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