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RIP Robin Williams/Anxiety Reverie

August 12, 2014

I know this seems a little trite and hackneyed given how little I usually care about some celebrity’s death. Sure, it’s sad, but I move on with my day. But Robin Williams killing himself disturbed me a little, because I suffer my own mental issues with the anxiety and it made me wonder: how long have I got? Here’s a man who had a successful life, inspired people, made them laugh, had a family, had a hugely successful career and gave it his all to every role he was in. Then he just up and killed himself. Sure, if reports are to be believed, he had bi-polar disorder and a history of substance abuse. But he always struck me as stronger than whatever issues he might’ve had.

Now he’s gone and everyone (EVERYONE!) is now an expert on depression and suicide. I appreciate the sentiment and that now people care now that someone who was admired is now dead, but it’ll eventually recede and the issue of mental health will again be in the background like some sort of radiation. True, you can’t live your life in constant worry of people who might be going through some rough times and they might end up killing themselves, but at least remain vigilant and don’t let it fade, because it will happen again and has happened before.

This brings me back to my own issues with anxiety where it is a constant struggle between giving up hope for myself and fighting this…thing. But everyone gets worn down eventually. I’m thankful I never gave in to my darker moments. Granted I am too cowardly and enjoy people too much to ever do anything to harm myself. Yes, that’s right, I did say I’m cowardly because I’m of the opinion that people who decide within a few minutes of thinking it, ‘You know…ending it all might be a good idea regardless of what happens afterward,’ are ‘brave’ in their own way. Not necessarily for the noblest of reasons, but it takes a certain mentality that doesn’t care about consequences any longer.

Me, I care about my consequences too much and my actions that affect other people. But it still gives me pause to think that there might be a point in my life where I find my situation too hopeless to continue and that I must continue to fight until I can no longer do it.

Next time: cynicism.

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