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September 6, 2014

I’ve written about this topic before so sorry if this is a re-tread, but I think it is a powerful thing and one that inspired me to write this here blagh. First, about a year and a half ago I was watching Ted talks (yeah, I’m one of those) and I was delving into the psychology talks and stumbled upon Brené Brown and her talks on shame, which was her second talk. During the talk on shame I got really choked up because I saw myself in what she was talking about.

The immense shame I felt every time I’ve ever wanted to talk to a girl, the shame I felt at liking the things that I like, and the shame I felt just for being who I am. I could never show my goofy side or my silly or stupid side. I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t even be completely that way with my closest friends. And then I saw these videos and they spoke to me. They spoke to a desire in myself just to be me, to be unafraid.

I began researching the topic and also found Ze Frank at that time, he taught me the power and strength in just being who I am. And to be more generous with myself. I realize this all seem very trite, but this is how I came to strive for more vulnerability in my life. The thing is that it seems like vulnerability has a negative connotation in this culture; you’re either strong or you’re weak and vulnerable, but I see vulnerability as a strength and one I want to strive to achieve. It allows me to be connected to all of the people in my life without worrying about being perceived too harshly.

When you have panic attacks and anxiety you tend to be too focused on the idea that you can be vulnerable and people will respond negatively to that—in my experience it’s when I’m the most vulnerable that I can let loose. That I can be an idiot or really sincere. Sometimes it comes off as too much, though. And to be sure, being vulnerable isn’t sharing every aspect of your life with everyone—that’s over-sharing and to me, the opposite of vulnerability, it’s a way to keep from being vulnerable. Got it? Okay. Maybe not.

So I restarted this blagh back in February last year when I was sinking lower and lower and feeling so horrible about being who I am. Nobody’s going to tolerate someone with panic attacks or someone who can barely function. Yeah,,safe to say that last February I was coming close to thinking that ending it all was a viable option. So this journey of discovering different sides to myself really has saved my life and although I’ve had a lot of setbacks this year, I feel like I’m finally holding on tightly to my courage and finally willing to face the world—even if that world can scare the shit out of me.


The Power of Vulnerability

Listening To Shame

Ze Frank’s Invocation For Beginnings

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