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Crispy Crisp Fall Weather

September 15, 2014

I like how certain things bring up memories and in this case it’s the weather. Today the morning’s just been a perfect mix of cool and sunny, which reminds me of the days during my 9th grade year where me and my brother would skip out of school together. Now, it was the worst thing we could have done, but it was also the most fun. We’d walk around the mall and get lunch sometimes or just come straight home. I enjoyed it…ahem…a little too much. And this was pre-driver’s license days so we would walk 4 miles just to get home.

Yeaaah….we really didn’t like high school. So it was fun borne of delinquency and I can’t imagine doing it now as I’m way out of shape and I grew to appreciate being in school. But at that time we were fugitives and it was something we’d never done before. In retrospect it hurt both of us and we burned the trust of our father by lying to him. That was the worst feeling in the world and as much as it hurt it was a lesson I needed to learn: my actions had greater ramifications than just affecting me.

I went to truancy court because we had missed and skipped so many days. That was when it really set in how horrible I’d become. I straightened up after failing that year and it was really the best thing to happen to me. But mornings like these do bring back those memories of how exciting and fun it was to do that. I did it one last time during my sociology class when. I was in college. The day was too beautiful to pass up so I drove to a book store and to the mall and enjoyed myself if only for a moment.

I realize now that I should have had more days like those where I could just enjoy myself and take the pressure off of myself. I probably wouldn’t be in the shape that I am now. I’m getting better but still not as functional as I was before the anxiety hit and that’s my biggest well of shame because as well as I can become, I’m still not where I want to be and having a lot of time to think I feel like I’m reliving FIDo’s Greatest Hits instead of making new moments for myself. Wow…that got dark real quick.

On a positive note: I made it up to PA again with no real panic but loads of anxiety.

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