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None Of This…None Of This…And None Of That..

September 24, 2014

I’m feeling bored, but not really down. I just don’t know what to do with myself. I hate nights like this because I feel like I have a fair amount of energy, even if I’m tired, and nothing to do. I guess I could clean, but then…who cleans this late that isn’t a doing blow? Yes, I went 80’s. Nah, I’m just not really in the mood for much of anything. I’m watching Scrubs and even that’s boring me.

I’d worry I was depressed by this fact except I’ve been watching Scrubs pretty much tri-monthly since 2006 and can really repeat whole shows. So no worries on the depression front. I’m not even feeling particularly anxious about anything. I emailed my friend hoping she got it…and no replies, but I apologized for everything. Hopefully she still wants to be my friend because I’d still love to be hers. I also did laundry and scraped off some rusted bits from my beard trimmer. Really, my days are this exciting.

This is why I like showering: I can just zone out in whatever thought occurs to me. I’ve dreamt up whole worlds while just standing in the shower. It’s my muse and it also gives me time to think about things that aren’t too important without being too anxious. I did manage to drive tonight as well and successfully and stayed home alone without too much anxiety.

Really? Is this engrossing to anyone? I feel like I should be writing about how I stormed a castle, ate soup out of the helmets of mine fallen enemies and saved the damsel in distress. But nope. Just mundane routine after mundane routine. And now I will quote Dylan Moran on this routine:

So, yes, death. When you’re young, you think about it… Well, you don’t really think about it, you know – you have the intelligence of raspberry jam, you’re not thinking about anything. But it’s there, as a motive force, making you do things. Go and get a job. Go and find a flat. Find somebody else. Put them in the flat. Make them stay. Get a toaster. Go to work. Get on the bus. Look at your boss. Say, “fuck”. Sit down. Pick up the thing. Go blank. Scream internally. Go home. Listen to the radio. Look at the other person. Think, “WHY? Why did this happen?”. Go to bed. Lie awake! At night! Get up. Feel groggy. Put the things on – your clothes – whatever they’re called. Go out the door, into work – same thing! Same people, again, it’s real, it is happening, to you. Go home again! Sit, Radio, Dinner – mmm, GARDENING, GARDENING, GARDENING, death. And so, the young woman thinks that if she has the right curtains, she can keep death and all other problems at bay. But the young man knows that the only way to keep death at bay, is by having sex pretty much constantly. Now, because nature’s so clever, it makes the couple compromise by giving them children, so they never have to have sex again, and then the children pull the curtains down so there was NEVER anything to worry about in the first place!

And that’s how I feel about the mundanity of my life at the moment. Only no steady job.

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