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Staminaly Stamina

September 25, 2014

Previously on the Blagh: [insert action sequence and Michael Bay explosion here]

So, I went out today on the gloomiest of gloomy days. Seriously, it could’ve been lifted directly from an Edgar Allen Poe poem. Or a John Carpenter movie, late-70’s John Carpenter, anyway. I wore shorts because nothing says defiance of weather like wearing shorts when it’s fucking cold. I drove a bit and I walked a bit. I can safely say I feel like I’m building up some sort of stamina as I didn’t really feel the need to stop.

So that’s some progress. Oh and I feel like hanging myself much less over this whole friend situation. Still kind of rough, but none of the anger and pain. Just…melancholy. Which is a step up for me. And it’s not even that bad. I just want some normalcy to return to things. I am finding humor in the situation, too. I emailed her and bet a 20 if she’d respond knowing that she won’t. So Mr. Andrew Jackson is safe once again. But those Franklin twins in my wallet definitely need to be deposited as I’m sensing an inevitable jailbreak for them.

I know it’s a cliché to label yourself, but most days I feel like a sad clown and this was even before my anxiety issues. I always felt the need to make jokes and take nothing seriously even though inside I was tearing myself to pieces. I think that’s where things went from being just OK and tolerable to absolutely miserable. There were some days I’d just come home from class and want to go blank. I felt exhausted. Which in turn led me to seeking out the worst foods I could eat.

I also eat when I’m bored. Oddly, I don’t eat when I’m depressed. I just feel no hunger when I’m depressed and I can lose weight fairly easily. Back to my sad clowndom, I hate that I always felt that way. Nobody ever took me seriously so I figured why should I take myself seriously? Aaand I didn’t. I still don’t. Half the time I feel like I’m lying to myself and the other half I feel like I’m lying to everyone else.

This whole thing with Glornax-7 has proven to me that nobody wants the truth from me. Why bother? She got pissed off because I told her how I felt. So, why bother? I stick up for myself and get smacked down, ‘Oh, you’re being paranoid.’, ‘What you think isn’t how things really are,’ etc. Well, I tend to fall into the line of thinking that there’s an objective reality and then there’s the reality we make for ourselves. If my reality doesn’t quite jive with yours or you give me reason to perceive my reality as not being a certain way, then yeah, you’re probably doing something wrong or not communicating yourself properly.

In this case…it was really a two trains headed toward each other and smacking head to head. I’m the bigger loser because she meant more to me than I probably did to her. I took it hard and all of my other friends probably think I’m fucking stupid for even trying to fix things. The thing is this: she was there for me during my lowest points, times where I honestly wanted to kill myself because I was feeling so low. And she was a calming influence in my crazier moments and she treated me with some respect…although not too much recently.

Are things worth saving? Yes, yes they are, because she still means the world to me for…maker knows why. And I’m hoping I mean something to her. If I do then this will just seem like a bad dream. If not…well…everyone eventually wakes up and I guess I will, but it’s going to hurt. I expect that, but I’ve already lost so much…really, one more thing, no matter how cherished, will rank very low on my surprise-o-meter. I guess what I’m saying is that I won’t be surprised if this is over, but I wish it weren’t. We’ve been friends for 9 years…I really don’t want to lose that over something so petty.

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