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You Need To Get Over This…

September 25, 2014

I absolutely hate hearing people tell this to me with regards to my anxiety. Why yes, I do realize I need to get over my anxiety. Thanks for telling me for the hundredth time. Why yes, I realize I’m 32 years old and have emotional breakdowns. No, it absolutely never dawned on me that this may be a problem. And you can damn sure better believe that I didn’t know that when I say I’m having a rough time that it means, ‘Preach to me the values of your religion,’ and/or how I should start thinking positively.

I apologize for the sarcasm. I was going through some stuff today and I got yelled at while in a fairly fragile state. And that is fairly what happens when I try to talk about this. Today’s winning jackpot came up when my mother said stuff along those lines while talking to her. I realize she means well, but today I just snapped. I couldn’t take it. I lost the one person in my life who would listen to my crazy and cut through my bullshit and I don’t know if I’ll ever speak to her again. So naturally venting out my anxieties probably isn’t the best thing to do. I cried pretty hard after that little break.

Mostly because of the, ‘I’m fucking trying to hold myself together here and it’s just barely fucking working so please fucking be a bit more compassionate here.’ Here’s the thing, though: a mental problem isn’t as easy to shake off as a physical ailment. So no one quite knows where you’re coming from when you’re saying, ‘I just need you to do one thing to help out,’ and then they don’t understand the why. Why being alone is a scary experience for me and why driving alone has become a scary experience for me. I never used to be this way.

I used to love staying home alone. I’d come home from class and just luxuriate in the silence of the apartment, maybe take a nap. Or I’d go somewhere else. I love driving still and I love being alone, but they’re also two things that scare the crap out of me when I’m really anxious. And yes, this is all a problem of my own making. I read that if you don’t get treated quickly after your initial panic attack that you can become phobic towards whatever happened when the panic occurred.

For me it was driving alone, getting stuck in an unfamiliar area, and then panicking in my pre-GPS days. Same for staying by myself: I had a really bad panic attack and now I can’t be by myself without getting anxious. And it’s not like I’m not trying to fix things. I am working on it. My mother and brother see very little slices of what I do all day so when I get anxious or anything it’s another, ‘Here’s FIDo doing his thing again,’ and, ‘What a pain. He’s not really trying to get past this.’ But I am and it’s very insulting when they think I’m not.

I feel insecure. I’m insecure about my weight, my looks, my ability to interact with people, my finances, my car, my health, etc. And I’d tackle these issues, but which is the most important? Well, obviously my health and weight. Then the issue comes: how? Eat better. That’s easy if you’re thin and active, me I’m barely active because of my anxiety and going outside is always a crapshoot for me, I never know how I’m going to react. So…exercises at home! With video game systems and computers, and tv….that’s brilliant.

I’m not shooting down any of these suggestions and I know the logic of them, but I can’t even trust myself to stay home alone without freaking out. How the hell am I supposed to trust myself and stick to it? I guess you could say trust is an issue. Trust in myself, trust that things will turn out okay in the end, and trust that I can get past this. But when your whole existence up until this point has been: ‘People are liars and phoneys and waiting for the next chance to hurt you,’ how do you replace that? How does anyone fundamentally change who they are that much? Think positively? I try to, but I have not a lot to be positive about these days.

Any of you readers been through a similar scenario? Some bullshit situation that you couldn’t get through? Feel free to share some advice on how to get through this one. I’m seriously open to any suggestions at this point.

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