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The Man With Many Faces

October 2, 2014

Who am I?

It’s a very tricky question and one I’ve often wondered myself throughout the years. In short: I don’t know who I am. Some days I feel like this hurricane just waiting to unleash my fury on the world and others I’m the gentle breeze on a calm day. I hate that I have such varying moods and I’m sure they have little differences here or there, but lately I’ve been seriously questioning who I am since the whole damn Glornax-7 fight. Am I an asshole? Am I really that intolerable to people?

I’m confused about this because I don’t mean to be seen in a negative light, but I do know I give in to my negative emotions very easily. All the doubt and anger and fury is just becoming too easy to break free and…that really scares me. I’d attribute my age and intolerance to bullshit to be an excuse, but I hurt people I care about. I hurt Glornax-7 and she’s someone I absolutely love.

Am I that awful?

Yes, when strong emotions are continually not acknowledged and sometimes outright rejected…yeah, it hurts a lot. And from that hurt I just want to make them hurt, because it honestly makes me feel like shit and like I shouldn’t even be feeling this way about someone. Maybe I am an asshole. I don’t know. I’d like to think I’m above my baser urges to hurt someone like they’ve hurt me, but my history shows I’m not. I always thought I was the better person. The one who let shit rain down on them and didn’t join the fray.

Guess not, but I’m also not the most objective person in judging and I judge myself horribly. It’s probably why I’m the way I am now. I let my emotions tend to rule me and as a result I’m either too overbearingly kind or too overbearingly awful, depending on the day. Fuck my moods. I want to change my less than stellar qualities but I’m not sure how.

I have this thick, armor plated layer of calm, but hit the right area and watch out, I will turn in an instant if I feel I’m being wronged. Unfortunately, Glornax-7 seems to know which areas to hit—even unintentionally. I’m trying to be more generous with her and with the rest of my friends, but I know one thing for certain: I am definitely not a happy person at this point in my life and I fear that won’t change.

Yay…downer ending. I art am artistic.

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