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Glornax-7

December 10, 2014

I’ve been trying to find the right words to put to this because I don’t want to come off as too mean spirited or that, even though we’re not speaking that I don’t want to remain friends. But…that whole thing with her was a mistake. This whole year’s been about me unable to deal with things between her and I. There was a lot of chemistry between us when we were together, but we hardly ever were this past year and we didn’t help things. Her wishy-washiness didn’t help and my forcefulness at trying to get her to see that things could work really didn’t help. As did holding out hope for us.

The other issue at play was that I feel really foolish for hoping she could ever feel an ounce of what I felt for her. Oh, I think she did feel something…or at least she said so during the process of completely ripping my heart out. Yeah, she did one of those numbers, ‘I’m going to rip out your heart, stomp on it, and then I’m going to tell you I did have some feelings for you,’ quick tip ladies: don’t do this shit. Guys hate this shit. It doesn’t soften the blow and it ends up making things worse.

So there’s that and then everything after May felt like one long defeat. She progressively tore herself away from any friendship we had. I didn’t help matters and it felt like every time she refused to do anything with me I took it harder than necessary and as a result I got really mean. It didn’t help that she was always there reminding me of my faults and where I go wrong. I doubt she’ll ever see any wrong in her actions, but yeeeah….she fucked up.

Then came July where it really would’ve meant a lot to me if she had come down for my birthday or at least tried to see me. So of course she didn’t. Then a few days after that fight things seemed to be okay aaand then she ‘accidentally’ showed me a picture of the guy she really wanted to be with whom she took to her family reunion. I knew he went, I didn’t need it confirmed. So I went off because it really hurt that she did that to me.

I don’t think this helped my anxiety at all. She was a major source of it and probably why I regressed a lot. She made me feel like utter shit every day and I internalized it a lot as a result and it twisted me into this person I didn’t really like. And I’m just now coming out of it. And you may be asking, ‘If your relationship did this to you, why would you want to go back?’ I plead insanity. Also because there were a lot of great moments between us as well and it only really got too unbearable this year. She was my best friend, she was kind of my lover, and she did care about me. I think.

Glornax-7 was wishy-washy about everything, though. If there were a yes or no answer, she could never give it. Even if she herself preferred yes or no answers. This also goes for the pseudo-relationship she was having with the other guy. I do like her reasoning for continuing things with him, though: “to see where things go.” I can’t tell you how many of my friends who’ve had successful relationships with that reasoning. Okay. That was mean. There were a lot of good things between us, but I guess they didn’t matter in the end because here I am writing a web log entry about how my having feelings for her and how they played out were a mistake.

And like I said: at this point I just want things to star over or repair things between us or something. Just return to a sense of normalcy between us, but I doubt that’ll happen now or at all. I do still love and care about her, but not in quite the same way I did at the beginning of the year. So…moving on and hopefully getting past it, which I am. I guess that’s the best victory I can do for myself now.

I don’t think this entry’s as well written as I wanted it to be. I have a lot more to say, but it’d just be a re-tread of what I just said and it’d sound even worse. There’s a part of me that’s just really melancholic right now and the other is hopeful for the future. This is the last time I’m going to mention Glornax-7 and say anything on the topic.

Next up: how squirrel urine can clean your car.

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