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It Takes A Strong Man To Make A Tender Password

December 11, 2014

I had a problem recently: see, I couldn’t figure out the correct password to my account here and elsewhere aaand…CAPTCHA! This CAPTCHA was so horrible that it took me 8 tries to figure it the fuck out. Is this really necessary for ‘security’? It’s gotten so bad with the password schtick that I honestly dread having to enter my password lest I get it wrong too many times and I have to enter one of these indecipherable pieces of shit to prove I’m not a computer trying to brute force my way into an account. I’m all for securing your account to the best of your abilities, but then this comes along and ruins that part of the day. It’s madness. The worst part is when instead of giving you the crappy letter and number salad they just lock you out of your account. Sorry. I didn’t realize that my account was a matter of national security.

And helpful tip: use capital letters, numbers, and characters for more security. Oh and change it regularly. So they want you to use different passwords for each site and they want you to change it regularly and make it more secure by making it hard for even you to figure out. The other issue is that I’ve been at some of these places for years and I haven’t entered a password in years. So when I eventually do get back to it I’ve forgotten what I originally used, then I enter the last one I remembered, and that’s still not it so I have to enter the CAPTCHA bullshit, get locked out, or get a ‘reset my password’ email. Speaking of that: remember when websites used to send you your password instead of having you change it? I do. Now I have to click the link, get the email, click the link, change the password, and then repeat the process all over in a few months because the setting that allowed me to auto-login has expired. Goddamnit.

As I said: I realize that security is an issue and that you may or may not be in control of your email account at all times–that’s fair, but please for the love of all that is holy, just fucking get some better system to ensure that our accounts aren’t hacked. But no, that’s not a company’s problem; it’s your problem. Investing in new technologies is not what corporations do on here unless it’s another way to squeeze out some more money. And they don’t give a damn if your account gets hacked and whomever spends large amounts of your money. So no, you won’t ever see a better system for passwords or any other security measures. No biometrics, nothing. Just the same old characters, the stupid emails, and the indecipherable CAPTCHA bullshit.

I realize that the effort to do all of this isn’t monumental as it’ll take 5 minutes at most to change your password or figure out which password you used–or worse: getting your account unlocked. Unless it’s a cell phone company account you’re trying to unlock. Then it’ll be about 45 minutes just getting them to pick up. But it’s the nuisance factor of it all. I feel like I’m in Memento where I have to either get my passwords tattooed to me or write them down and big red flag if you’re writing them down: you better be damn sure you trust whoever comes in your house otherwise they now have a Rosetta Stone for all of your accounts, in which case you’re fucked.

Anything else? Oh yeah, bring back Crystal Pepsi.

Update: Good to see my hate of CAPTCHA is so widespread. It makes me happy: link

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