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Enough is enough, it’s time for a change

January 29, 2015

I know it’s been a long time since I’ve made a post here on my brother’s blog (blagh as he would call it.) But there’s something I need to say. Today I woke up to my girlfriend Rachel nudging me with her knee. As I woke, I asked her,
“Why you nudging me?”
To which she replied, “You snore way louder when you’re on your back. Plus, you stop breathing more.”
The snoring part didn’t bother me at all, but what did was the comment about me not breathing. A word on ignorance: If at some point someone says something to you regarding your health, and you think, “If I forget about it, it’ll go away.” Trust me, you’re dead wrong.

It won’t go away anytime soon. And if it does it’ll be a massive coincidence. That’s the thing with this whole breathing comment. It’s not that no one ever told me about it, someone did, it’s just that it was a long time ago. A little over 2 years ago my girlfriend at the time told me that I stopped breathing in my sleep. I foolishly thought that it wasn’t such a big deal.  I didn’t take into account that my goals change when I do.

As time passes, your goals in life change.  Everything changes about who and what you are. It’s not something I wanted at the time, but now I think about things like my future-child, Rachel being my wife, and how old I’ll be when I die. The latter being the one I’m most concerned by. Right now I’m 34. That is still pretty young. I keep telling myself I have plenty of time. But what if this breathing thing gets worse? What if one day I just don’t wake up? It’s not beyond the realm of possibility. Think about it, I stop breathing while I’m sleeping.

Rachel was there to wake me up, and tell me to roll over, but what if she wasn’t? What if my body simply doesn’t do something it’s supposed to one day, I slip into the right kind of deep sleep, and just stop breathing…forever? I’ve read a few things on sleep apnea and I’m certain that’s what I have, if not something worse. I also remember reading that it is something that can happen. And if it doesn’t kill me it can do other damage. I have no energy, I become dehydrated at night, and I often wake up with killer headaches. The symptoms have to be attributed to something, and all of them happen while I’m sleeping, so I attribute them to the sleep apnea.

Even if it’s not the sleep apnea causing it, it couldn’t hurt to have that part of the equation go away. This whole event has got me thinking about my health. Not just the sleep apnea thing, but in general. I’m not what you would call someone that takes care of themselves. I eat lots of fried, fatty foods; drink soda, frequently get take out or fast food, don’t exercise, don’t brush my teeth frequently enough, and don’t clip my toe or fingernails. The latter isn’t so much a commentary on my health but more about what kind of person I can be: lazy.

I’m not saying I’m lazy in general, just about important things. Things like paying bills on time and practicing proper hygiene. I often think about the things people would say about me if I died today. The answer is pretty grim: not much. Ideally, I would want them to say, “Paul had this life by the balls, he was on top of things.” Being on top of things is important to me. Getting things done and being responsible above all else, so shit doesn’t pile up and become overwhelming. So that’s why today I plan to start making changes to get to that goal.

I’m not this way for lack of wanting. I am this way for a lack of doing. There are a million and one excuses for not doing something. Find a reason to do those things. That’s what I plan to do. Eat better, drink more water, eat salads, exercise, go out more, socialize, take care of my teeth, and just take care of me in general. Today I weigh 328 lbs. I plan to change that for me, not anybody else. The problem with any weight loss plan I’ve ever had is that I let other people influence it.

I’d go pick up a friend and they would say,
“Hey, can we stop and get some McDonald’s?”,
My reply: “Sure, but I’m not getting anything.” To which they replied,
“One night of fast food won’t hurt!” The thing is I just don’t have the confidence in my own opinion to still say no. Instead I just throw my hands up and say, “Well, they’ve got a point.” And normally this would be true, but I’m one of those people that is easily tempted back into bad habits. I should ask myself “Should I do this?” And if the answer is no I just shouldn’t do it.

I am by no means saying I don’t have a part in this, of course I do, what I’m saying is that I know myself well enough to know that is how I am. From now on those outside influences are going bye bye. In those times I will consciously ask myself the question. I feel like this will help me get to those goals. I don’t want to die young, for the sake of my future children and wife. For that reason today is the day I change. Not tomorrow, not in a week, not in a month, now. I’m done making excuses.

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