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Say Nope To Mope

February 7, 2015

Last night was really rough for me and I think the oncoming holiday’s a bit responsible for that. The other part is that I genuinely miss Glornax-7 and you know, it’s not even about loving her at this point. I just miss having her around. She was a strong force for change for me and she still is. She’s partly why I’m putting myself through physical hell right now to fix myself and my anxiety. So yeah…if that makes me a hypocrite then so be it. But I’m feeling a lot better and a lot surer in myself now.

The other part is that I’m tired of being lonely. One thing anxiety’s great at: self-perpetuating itself and that’s what it’s been doing. I can’t go out because I’m anxious and I’m anxious because I can’t go out and meet people. I’m working on changing that, fuck, I’m even partially doing this for her. Not so I can get some sort of ‘revenge’ but for if the day ever comes where she feels like talking to me again, we can actually have a real friendship this time.

I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life and letting things deteriorate and slip away is definitely one of them. Its effects have spread out since that night and tinge every moment since. Sometimes there’s anger, sometimes there’s regret, and sometimes there’s moments where I just get overwhelmed by both emotions and can’t even feel anything, but I’m trying…and I’m trying to get through things. To reach for something bigger than what I currently have at present.

However, things have been rather on the up overall: I haven’t had a panic attack in over a month, I’m driving more, and as of yesterday I’ve walked a mile. I didn’t want to finish off the week on a low note which was where it was headed; I wasn’t up to walking yesterday and I swore to myself, ‘I’m going to go at a lower speed,’ as I’m currently on 1.7mph I guess that’s what it stands for and I was going to bump it back to 1.6….buut I didn’t. In fact, the last 7 minutes I bumped it up to 1.8. So, I am steadily building toward being able to do this regularly and my mind feels less cluttered and focused on anxiety.

This has actually been one of the most productive winters that I’ve had in a long time and I’m very happy about that. I’m really looking forward to warm weather and not looking crazy when I wear shorts outside—yes, I’m still wearing shorts in the winter. I’ve also got some story ideas banging around and hopefully I can get those out. One of them is a children’s novel or novella.

And the title for this entry was something my friend, Kait, said to me last night and I liked it. It got me out of the mope and got me to laugh a little and smile. Anyway, until next time.

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