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Glornax-7 Entry 90 Billion

March 25, 2015

I setup a meeting for me and Glornax at a neutral setting and hoped that she would show—to the surprise of no one, she didn’t. And as much as that would have hurt me months ago…it didn’t today. I actually was very stoic about it. Why would I be angry, though? She didn’t agree to anything and I’ve already been way too sad because of her. But I handled it fairly well and then I realized why: well…for one, I knew she wasn’t going to show. I had time to prepare for that. I also know that even if I had offered her $10 million dollars and a private show by HIM that she wouldn’t show up. The other reason why I’ve been so stoic about it is that I pity her. I had phone conversations that lasted 8-12 hours with her and we did a lot…intimately, and knew each other for 9 years and the straw that broke the camel’s back was a fight over her coming over? I dunno…it’s really stupid, but I can’t imagine the avoidant mentality it takes to just give all of that up and not speak to the person. 

So yeah, I really do pity her in a lot of ways because I know I wouldn’t let someone go like that over a stupid fight. But I can see why she would, she’s always been avoidant about negative aspects in her life or anything else. She masks it behind an iron-plate of ‘Why bother?’ But all it really does is leave her isolated to the point of no one in her life telling her their true thoughts because they’re too afraid to get cut off permanently. I saw her do that a lot. If things got too tough or you got into a fight with her (which invariably would happen) she would use contact with her as a weapon—it was the best card in her arsenal, I think. And she knew, for me, that it would hurt immensely to do that. And it did. Oh, I’d be lying if I didn’t spend weeks hurting over that, but the good part about anything is that the pain eventually does go away. 

In this case it’s leaving a determination to just get over her now, which I am. So the contact deal doesn’t hold much weight with me anymore, true, I would love to be friends with her again, but it’s honestly not as important to me as it was in the first couple months of her silence. Now it’s just become a joke to me. And that’s the best way to get over something: realize how silly whatever it is…is. In this case it’s her silence. In my anxiety’s case it’s how it makes me act. So kinda disappointed about this, a smidgen sad, but overall it’s just a huge ‘whatever’ to me at this point. 

A few good things did come out of this whole thing: I got my walking in because this mall is fucking ridiculously huge, I tried a new sushi roll, I stuck to my guns with this which is something she would always complain I never did, and I saw how avoidant she really is. Time to move on and I am. I guess that’s also why I’m handling this rather well, because I am moving on. However, I am still very open to her coming back as I haven’t blocked anything of hers. She was and is an important person in my life and someone I’ll always care about.

Signing off. 

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