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Arrrghgasm: Parking

April 6, 2015

I don’t know if it’s that people just don’t know how to park or what, but the neighbors in my building seriously cannot fucking park. If I park a little bit away from the line they’ll park just a tad over the line. If I park in between the lines they’ll invariably always park too close to the line. I can’t win. I realize that sometimes you’re in a hurry and you can’t always park the best. Fine. I’m okay with that, but these people leave their shitty parking jobs like that all night. The other issue is backing into parking spaces, for me, I just don’t do it. I know I’m lousy at backing into a spot. But for these geniuses backing in is a sensible option. When you don’t hit the other car…you’re perfect…except…not. No. Just because my car didn’t get hit by yours doesn’t mean that my door won’t hit yours when I come out. So why even do it? Why even have parking lines, either? No one respects them.

Blinkers too. I can’t tell you how many times a person hasn’t used their blinkers in front of me. I guess they didn’t make them on your model of vehicle. Or it was just left out. Whoops! Time for another car recall. Oh? You were just being lazy. Well, I’ll tell you what: From now on I’ll be lazy and just not worry about the brake pedal. How’s that? Then when we’re filling out the accident reports I can tell them that you were negligent on the ability to move your hand less than an inch to turn on your blinker and me, Mr. Innocent Driver, who can’t read your intention plowed into you because I didn’t know which way you were going or that you were going to stop.

Brilliant solution, huh?

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