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Giving Up On Me

May 1, 2015

The title’s grimmer than the content of this entry but it refers to a time when I first started having depression and anxiety and just gave up on me. I gave up on who I was and everything about me. Come to think of it, I’m still there somewhat, but I have a lot to be hopeful about now. This darkness at the edges of my life seems to be receding and I don’t find myself resenting life nearly as much as I used to.

See, when I depressed I was at home and talking to my dad and I just hated the world, I resented that people could go out and enjoy themselves without caring whereas I was stuck inside a prison of my own making. I hated it. I still hate it. And I hate that I ever chose that for myself and that I spent so many years trying not to escape it more. This past week has really opened my eyes to how I want to be and what I want to accomplish with my life. I want to do more, I just want to be…more…or more than I am now. And I’m trying even though right now I’m so exhausted that my mood’s falling precipitously

I don’t want to be remembered as I am now. I want to be remembered as the person I’m trying to become to just be a better person to everyone and care about the things and people that matter, because I lost sight of that for such a long time that I became so intensely focused on me that I couldn’t focus on anything or anyone else. Now I think I’m ready to start pushing myself, I think. Anyway…enough tired rambling.

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5 Comments leave one →
  1. May 1, 2015 12:40 am

    I hear this loud and clear. You are not alone. I’ve had anxiety for quite a few years and I understand that feeling of loosing sight of connections. You can accomplish anything 🙂
    *hugs*

    • May 2, 2015 9:42 am

      Thank you. 🙂 It’s been rough, but I think I’m finally starting to gain some confidence in myself to the point my anxiety’s not ruling me as much. I’m starting to believe I can actually accomplish getting back to being who I want to be. Just a shame it took so long.

      • May 2, 2015 2:13 pm

        I get that. I’ve had some crippling anxiety over the years so much so that social situations are terrifying. Just stay strong and remember to breathe 🙂 Focus on the future

      • May 4, 2015 8:35 am

        I will. 🙂 Losing this weight and continuing to lose it has helped my confidence a lot and I’m still…not small, let’s face it. So it’s my way of flipping off my anxiety. Thank you for commenting and sorry for the longy long delay.

      • May 4, 2015 8:42 am

        No worries hun Good for you for keeping up a positive outlook on things! 🙂

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