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Of mortality and weight

May 6, 2015

Since my last couple posts I haven’t made much progress in the way of weight loss.  Hell, I even think I had what I’d call a set-back since then.  Losing weight isn’t an easy thing, I never expected it to be.  I’ve known for a long time now that it would be a long and winding road, full of hardships and pain.  Nothing worth doing is easy after all.  Now, more than ever, it feels like I’m fighting the clock.  I’m 34 and feel a little older everyday.  There are some days where all I think about is how finite life is.  How one day everything I know and love will be gone, how I’ll be gone.  It has become a regular part of my routine to think about what life would be like without my mother or father.  As their age reaches into the 50’s, and late 60’s, it is even more of a worry than ever.

“How long will I make it?” I think to myself.  The answer is almost always the same: “Not very long if you keep doing this to yourself.”  I know as you’re trying to lose weight you’re bound to also gain muscle, but I still can’t help feeling discouraged any time I look down at the scale and the number hasn’t gone down.  Despite feeling that way, I’m doing a very good job motivating myself these days.  So far I’ve lost nearly 10 pounds and it has been nary a month since I finally made some real changes in how much I eat, and exercise.  I still eat some pretty horrible, fried foods, but it’s not as often and not so much.  For exercise, I walk 10 laps a day around the building where I work.

That’s about a quarter mile for every lap.  I  think 2 and a half miles is pretty good for someone that weighs 327 lbs.  I don’t think I ever realized how much temptation is all around me until I tried to lose weight.  It’s everywhere!  There are people all around you stuffing their faces with things you wouldn’t even dream of eating while trying to lose weight.  Just coming into work is a hazard for me.  People regularly go out for lunch at places like Five Guys, Buffalo Wild Wings, and Mission BBQ.  They hold pot lucks here about once every other month.  There are people constantly bringing in candy, cupcakes, or other sweets.

It’s not just at work where there’s no safe haven either.  Here’s a little fun you can have the next time you’re watching TV: Pay attention to how many fast food commercials there are.  And then there’s the amount of food restaurants serve.  I used to watch Gordon Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares pretty often, and whenever someone served too much food he’d call them on it.  He was doing it because the portions were too big, but for the wrong reason.  He thought they were giving food away, I see it as serving too much food for people to properly eat.  When I order anything, at any place, I can reasonably expect to either be A.) Completely stuffed or B.) Take some of the food home.

I’m not saying it’s their fault I’m fat, I’m just saying it doesn’t exactly help either.  I could order nearly anything on a menu if the portions weren’t so outrageous.  Restaurants could practice better portion control.  Even though I never expected this to be easy, I am still finding it to be a bigger struggle than I anticipated.  Being fat is hard.  Apparently sleep apnea can cause issues with weight loss, and I have more than a few symptoms of it.  I have a sleep study scheduled for Saturday, so hopefully I’ll be making some progress on that shortly, and it’ll help.  It definitely wouldn’t hurt to have more energy.

A little side note:  I have been using an app on my phone called Fitness Pal that seems to help with portion control.  At my current weight, Fitness Pal allots me 2500 calories everyday.  That is more than I need at the moment, so I think I’m doing something right.  I’ll try to update more regularly on my progress.

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