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Some Days It’s Dark

May 15, 2015

I…uh…I dunno. Today wasn’t bad–to the contrary, it was quite good, but I just feel…bummed. I think it has to do with my walk today kicking my ass. I was fine pre-walk aaaand then just a whole lot of thoughts and feelings just cropped up out of nowhere. I felt worthless and just kicked down. Then it sort of escalated with thinking of Glornax-7 and after that everything just went downhill and I just did not enjoy myself and I got really irritated by everything. I still feel frustrated by that and just I want to scream and punch and kick something. It’s not even directed at her or anything, it just feels like something good was ruined by the both of us and I don’t think I’m ever going to get that back and I liked what we had for the most part. Mostly. Even if we did both know how to press each other’s buttons.

So after that I’ve just been sitting in my room in the dark and playing Red Dead Redemption with the pause screen bathing the whole room in this crimson red. It’s neat and strangely relaxing. I also managed to kill a grizzly with a knife which, up until now, I’ve always had my brother do. Sooo…yay! Accomplishment. Sort of. I visited my mother’s hole in the ground, I call it that as it’s not a house, to me, until it’s built. I also drove to the grocery store, the blood lab, got gas, and had really positive day. Every day I don’t panic or have anxiety is a good day. Also a good day to me is not bringing that fucking messenger bag with me.

For those that don’t know me, since Father’s day 2009 I’ve carried a bag with me with various…things, usually for if some shit goes down. I have a blood pressure monitor in there, some stomach relievers…and that’s it. That’s my panic bag and it’s received the affectionate name of ‘The Bag Of Crazy’. It used to be a messenger bag that my brother had, but I got my own: The Bag Of Holding from Thinkgeek and I used to carry it everywhere, of course never in the store, yeah, figure that one out, but since I’ve been losing weight and regaining my sanity I haven’t really brought it anywhere–even to therapy, which is usually where I’d need it. So yeah, every day I don’t carry that bag of useless with me, the better. And a great sign of not fucking having any fucking anxiety. Yep. I’m that proud of it.

On the weight loss front I weighed 347.2 this morning which is a bit higher than my 346.8 yesterday, but not much. I’m happy about that, too. Now to act like those people on Press Your Luck: Less weight, less weight, less weight. No whammy!

Enjoy your night, people. I’m going to try to salvage the little bit of one that I’ve had tonight.

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