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Making Peace

June 3, 2015

I’m in the process of making peace with myself. That sounds really cliche and stupid, but it’s true, I need to make peace with who I am and to start liking me for me. One of the ways I’ve decided to do this is to lose the weight–which I am. Another is to realize that my creativity is a sneaky son of a bitch and that I just need to hunt him and his mustache twirling ass down and keep him in place. That is partly where this web log comes in. It allows me a place to voice the random nonsense and ponderings in my head without necessarily giving myself a headache.

I wanted to learn to be vulnerable and I think I’m succeeding. I’m learning that I need to start accepting me and to stop beating the past versions of myself with a switch. Their mistakes and inactions have lead me to where I am today, but I’m starting to think that it’s where I needed to go. I needed to be in a sort of prison of my own making to appreciate who I am. Or maybe I’m just justifying my anxieties. But they have made me into a more thoughtful and caring person and able to appreciate the world around me and the people in my life.

I’m not saying that it’s been strawberries and roses, but I didn’t like me then. I was too afraid, too blind to the world and it ended up biting me in the ass in the end. I never stopped because I couldn’t. And that weight, the weight of the world I tried to build for myself just ended up crushing me when things didn’t work out and when I started to face my anxieties that had built up for so long over many years, because this anxiety didn’t just happen. It had been an ever escalating pressure that had been building. I think I needed it and now that my goal to lose weight has come front and center I’m able to feel like me. I’m able to..live. Like I said before, my days were filled with, “How am I going to panic today?” Now it’s being filled with, “What am I going to accomplish today?” And I do accomplish a lot. No bag of crazy, no panic attacks. Just…thinking of things to fill my time with and to lose weight.

Funny thing about the weight loss habit: it’s really becoming like background radiation to me now. I don’t even need to think about the desire to lose weight too much. I just do it and fill it in on myfitnesspal. So yeah…that’s great and as arrogant this sounds, I’m proud of me for once. Plus my clothes are thanking me as well.

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