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Pour A Little Out, It’s Good For You

June 29, 2015

I’d like to say I was off somewhere on some magical quest of discovery or something, but no, I was here. Just playing the hell out of Arkham Knight and doing my weight loss thing. I’m down to 337.2 through the magical means of self-control and sometimes not. See, I weighed 339 and 338 for the last couple days because the weekends are kind of boring for me. So I’m back down to where I want to be and getting looooower. Speaking of low, last night I gave in to my despair a little bit and started crying heavily. And some thoughts went to some dark places for a millisecond. Am I ever going to lose this weight? Am I ever going to be more than I am?

All of the hate I had for myself just cropped up in a moment of weakness and got to me. I also blame exhaustion because I do get really depressed when I’m exhausted. Fortunately I had a couple friends last night that got me out of it without doing anymore damage. I hate that side of myself, though, because it seems like whenever things are going well or better than average for me that it seeps in and takes over. It’s that drive that, yeah, I know it’s not enough for me but it should be enough for me for now, because I am making strides towards bettering myself.

Just…there’s this side of me that really doesn’t like who I am or how I turned out. I feel like things shouldn’t have went this way and that I shouldn’t have given up pieces of myself that I enjoyed because of my depression. Aaand…I did. And now I’m trying to fix that and regain a love for life and it’s just all…very up in the air. I’m worried I’m going to fail with losing weight, I’m worried that I won’t get past my anxiety, I’m just worried that all of this progress is going to collapse in or itself again and I’m going to be left worse off than before.

I’m trying not to think that way, but last week I had a good day–a really good day for me, and my brain was telling me that something bad might happen because nothing good ever happens to me that isn’t followed by something bad. Soo….fingers crossed, ‘eh? I need to get out of that line of thinking and just start enjoying myself and thinking about all of the positives, but as I said: exhaustion brings it on and I can’t keep up a strong level of positivity without burning out. That seems odd, but being in a good mood takes just as much energy out of me as being in a bad mood. Stupid brain. Stupid body.

Anywhoo…that’s what’s been going on with me. I’d say I’m going to update more and I probably will try to keep a regular schedule with this because the venting does make me feel better, but I can’t guarantee day after day updates. ‘Til next time.

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