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Phrases That Need To Be Retired

July 3, 2015

I’ve been thinking lately about my anxiety and when it flares up there’s two routes I go with it 1) I plead with my body by saying, “Please don’t die!” And chant it like a mantra as if I can will it away and 2) “Am I dying?” Which usually just leads into the pleading. It’s stupid. You can laugh. I know it’s stupid, but it is very much a part of my anxiety and slowly fading away like lines on a beach at high tide. Still…it does crop up occasionally where my anxiety comes along and I ask if I’m dying or I get a weird sensation and think, “Please don’t die,” to myself. My therapist says to change it around to, “I’m going to live.” Which is great if you’re thinking rationally and most times I am, but when the anxiety’s in full swing I just have no rational center.

Does anyone else do this? I have no clue, but I’m working on retiring these intrusive thoughts and the destruction they’ve wrought in my life as a result. I think the weight loss is helping to re-frame things in my mind a bit. I’m losing weight and I can accomplish it. I’m not anxious all of the fucking time and I’m accomplishing that. So little my little I’m hobbling back to some sense of normalcy in my life–or as normal as one can get in my life. Too bad I’m turning 33 next week and still feel all out of sorts. But if I had one birthday wish it’d be to just completely just enjoy myself without any of the self-realization that I might not. Also I’d like Glornax to contact me at least to say happy birthday. It’d show me that things aren’t completely hopeless there. And that’s really what I run on most days: hope. Sad to say, but I hope for a lot and I very rarely feel like things work out in a completely good way. Anywhoo…I think I’m depressing myself with this. ‘Til later.

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