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Anxiety-Induced Self-Absorption

July 7, 2015

I don’t like that aspect of anxiety or depression. It’s not even my fault, it’s just I’ll be so committed to focusing on myself that I’ll seem totally wrapped up in those thoughts. It’s not even like I think I’m The Shit about anything. It’s just….”Am I going to die? What’s this feeling? What’s this? You know what I hate about anxiety? You know this sucks about myself. Am I dying? Fuck.” And so on and so on. But I’ll be in the middle of a conversation and half of it leaves my thoughts while I’m focusing on my impending sense of doom. And it makes me selfish needlessly. Especially with this inability to be left alone for prolonged periods.

I’m quite glad I’m starting to get past all of this, but sometimes..

Them: “Hey, do you like fish?”

Me: “I’m not dying am I?”

Then I wonder what the fuck is wrong with me. It’s really just the anxiety or depression. I add depression in there because that’s where this self-absorption started and the focusing too much on sensations and not about anything else. Driving’s been a nightmare the last few years as well because the slightest wrong feeling aaaaand I’m dying! Fortunately I’m getting past this level of self-focusing, but man…for a really long time all I could think about is me. And you know, it does kind of make sense. I’m not rationalizing it, but every day you think you’re going to die you do tend to think about yourself and self-preservation a lot. Soooo…so, so glad all of this is ending for me. I can start focusing on my life and living now. And losing weight. No, I haven’t lost too much weight recently. I’m in a holding pattern of sorts for right now. If I weigh 335 tomorrow I will update about that. And I felt like writing tonight. Anywhoo…’til later.

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