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Successfully Scary

July 18, 2015

I’ve talked about this before, but since it’s chief on my mind right now due to stuff I will write about now I have to say: fearing success is the oddest fear I’ve dealt with. I mean, show me a woman I find attractive and I’m fucking terrified. With good reason: rejection sucks and it hurts each time I get rejected. Fear of spiders….okay, stupid fear, but understandable: spiders look like what a demon would shit out after a late night snack. Fear of needles, needles fucking hurt. But fearing success? What the hell is that all about?

See, in a way I have no problem with success. I just feel like I don’t deserve it or that once I do succeed at something people will start depending on me for stuff. So maybe it’s not so much a fear of success as much as it’s a fear of being needed? But I also have no problem with doing things for people. I just…don’t get it. Last night I was having a conversation with my friend and she told me the place she works would be a great fit for me. Awesome, right?

Wrong. As she’s telling me this this stupid part of my mind’s just recoiling in fear and horror. And why? Why am I afraid of doing this? She’s practically saying, “Here! Here’s a good place to work!” And I’m going, “Oh…no…maybe I shouldn’t.” So she went to bed and I applied. She got me to really think about it and to push those fears aside for the moment and I sent in everything I needed. I doubt they’ll give me a call because my resume is a designer’s resume instead of a black and white one. Still…couldn’t hurt.

I am tired of letting these petty, stupid fears dictate my life and my actions. So, I’m glad she pushed me in that direction even if I’m not completely willing right now. Because any positive change is good change, right?

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