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Remain Positive

July 22, 2015

I try to remain positive and hopeful and for the most part I succeed even though my rants and arrrghasms may come across as acerbic, that’s not who I am. Just a slice of who I am.  It’s a struggle to remain positive in the light of so much negativity and there’s an abundance of it. Some days I feel like we’ve become a nation of Eyeores and hecklers, ‘Oh bother…this shit sucks and you suck for liking this shit.’ I feel like there’s too many people that just love tearing someone down these days and puts nothing positive back into the world. 

They make people feel guilty for liking what they like and being who they are and if you’re not as jaded and bitter as they are then woe be upon you. They’ll make your life miserable and then some just because they can. Now you don’t even need to know the person to do it, just find someone randomly online and make them feel horrible. To be fair, I had this attitude as well at one point. Never to the extreme, though. But I think the growing horror was when someone that really cared for me asked me how I felt about them and why I held them at a distance and in my fury I told them, ‘To me you’re not real, you’re just words on a screen.’ 

I told them that because we’d known each other for years and talked on the phone and such and they cared for me a lot even though we never met and I felt like we’d reached our peak and nothing was ever going to happen. So to cut that chord I said that. And forever to my shame that day has haunted me a little bit because I was cruel to the point of being a monster. After that I tried not to be so callous but it eventually happened again with Ms. G. I’d talk shit about her in private and just despise her because when it came time to actually meet up, she always found a reason not to. I’m guilty of this as well because part of it was during my depression. Then we finally met and I fell in love with her. But that just made things worse, in retrospect, because I had my window to change things with her and missed it when she started things with this guy. 

Tangent aside: we’ve managed to divorce any emotion from everyone. It’s so easy to be cruel and to be mean and petty when there’s no emotional content to words. You can’t see the affects that it causes in the recipient so from this safe distance you could insult anyone and tell them to kill themselves, and according to a recent news story, you can even pretend to be a 13 year old girl and say someone molested you…aaand have someone’s whole life turned upside down. And what do you care? They’re not people. Just words on a screen. So I try not to have that mentality anymore and I’m trying to put something positive into the world with this web log. 

I came to this realization today when I found the entry I was typing up just seemed very negative and I went, ‘Nope. That’s not going to be me anymore.’  And I’m sticking to that, if for no other reason than being negative is too easy. There are more negative words than positive words. So I have a new goal! Three hundred more positive words! Okay. Maybe that’s too ambitious. I’ll settle for 100 at least. 

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