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I Don’t Wanna Grow Up

July 29, 2015

Yesterday my friend asked me if I thought being an adult was great because she thought it was and I just sunk into a bit of melancholy. I told her that I actually hate being an adult and it’s not because of the responsibilities or anything, my adulthood has just sucked. And the anxiety has made it suck even worse. I mean, sure, things are going great right now, but if I examine events closely, I’m not too happy with how my life has turned out. I don’t have the career I wanted, I’m 33 and have never had a relationship, still a virgin, I drove away the woman I love, I can’t even drive alone anymore and I liked driving and playing taxi for friends and family. So no, adulthood hasn’t been too kind to me. And even though I was an awkward fuck in high school, I at least could enjoy myself.

Now I have to scrape by and find things to enjoy or I feel like I’m not alive. And that’s great, but I’m almost constantly broke, lonely, and have to invent things to do on my own because whatever my friends are doing, it sure as fuck doesn’t include me in any of those plans. And that’s fine. I realize my anxiety hasn’t made me really reliable in the last few years and there’s always a risk that when I go out I’m going to go crazy into a panic. It’s much less, but the risk is still there. My friend invited me to Baltimore’s Comicon in September and I was actually thrilled that I was invited somewhere for once.

I’m probably sounding more pessimistic than I actually feel right now, but yeah…that question just opened up so many wounds I had trouble keeping track of them. Things aren’t all doom and gloom right now: I’m beginning to drive alone again, I’ve lost 26/27lbs and am actually feeling really good. I also now know that I can tan and…it actually looks kinda good on me. I’m not doing it intentionally or to excess, but good to see that I still have that ability to do it. I’m also signing up for this stupid math class and am getting that the fuck behind me because that’s been plaguing me since this anxiety started. In fact, the pressure to get past that fucking class is what partially led to me burning out.

I’ve also applied to where my friend works because she thinks I’d be a great fit. No word on that yet, but ‘eh…it’ll happen. And if not, I’ll find another place. I’ve had one of the best summers since my early 20’s, and my friends are actually encouraging me to keep losing weight and not to get discouraged which I’m not and I feel things are improving there. In other words: my world’s not ending. But yeah…kinda fucked up how one question can completely cause an upheaval. Fortunately it didn’t stay that way but only briefly. I hate adulthood, but I’m getting better at it. I also think being in my 30’s has helped me give a shit less than I would years ago.

Upcoming: I’m going to write more, lose more weight, and maybe start a video blagh. I was watching Jimquisition Live and Jim Sterling kind of inspired me to do something with video. If only I hated how I sounded when recorded much less than I do I’d have already done it. So, we’ll see how that goes. Credit to him as well for just being my inspiration about being comfortable in my own skin at this weight. I’m pretty sure the man’s got anxiety like everyone else, but he soldiers on and is really good at what he does. Soo…yeah…from the ashes of melancholy rises positivity like a phoenix who just ate too much Chipotle!

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