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I Persevere

August 2, 2015

That’s become my new mantra. If things aren’t looking too up at the moment I just remind myself that I persevere and get on with my day. Anxiety got me down? Perseverance. Don’t feel like eating less today? Persevere. It seems silly to think of everything in those terms and maybe a little arrogant, but I went through a lot of dark days where things overwhelmed me, where my mind overwhelmed me, where life seemed to set everything ablaze. So yeah, I need to remind myself that despite all of that that I persevere–that I can make it through the really bleak days as well as I do during the good days.

And fortunately the good days are starting to overwhelm the bad days now, but the bad days still happen. My mind won’t let go of some things and I’m still regaining my strength. But yeah…I want this to go right. I want my life to be better and to feel better without feeling like shit all the time. Sooo…I persevere. I know where my strength comes from and it’s from my ability to get back up and dust myself off no matter how hard I’ve been knocked down. Only this time I’m recognizing it for what it is and working with it instead of against it.

I realize that my mind is an asshole and I need to keep it in check. I also realize that I’ve done some seriously awful things to people but I can’t live in that past anymore. I can’t think of it because I can’t change things, only what’s in my immediate control. And for the things that aren’t…well, they have a way of working themselves out if they haven’t already. I just need to focus on fixing things a little more and rebuilding the pieces without self-recriminating or feeling guilty about the past. That’s what kept me back so long. Just…thinking about the past. Worrying about the past. Worrying if I could do this.

Worrying if I still have my talents. Hell, just this week I was talking to my therapist about my fear that my well was running dry with regards to my creativity and ability to write. Apparently not. I just needed to tap into a different focus for it. And most of all: fuck negativity. Okay. I don’t have a problem with negativity. In fact, I can be pretty negative myself, but I’m tired of being that way. I’m just tired of seeing the bad in everything. Seeing the fault in every fucking thing you can think of. It’s okay to be negative and to be skeptical of a lot of things. I get it. I’m skeptical, too. But wallowing in it does no one any good and I realize that now. Which is why I’m trying to be as positive about things as possible. Soo…yes…keep it in a healthy balance and life will be peachy.

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