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August 3, 2015

So, I mentioned in a little blurb on one of my earlier entries that I want to try to start a video log to go with this blagh. Why? Because I like the power of film. You get a window into other people’s lives and that’s coo’. Also…you know..women. Hey! My life, my reasons! Okay. Yeah, the women part isn’t true. But tell me which sounds more attractive: “I run a semi-successful web log on wordpress,” oorrrr..”I run a really snazzy video log on youtube where I dispense with my views and people love it!” Okay. That might be praising it too much. But yeah, film-making has always fascinated me. In fact, a lot of my imagination is very visual and deals something like a movie.

Consequently that’s why it’s so frickin’ hard to write some stories for me because I have this image in my head but can never find the right words. I’ve always had two limiting factors to filming myself, though: 1) I hate my voice. It’s too nasally and I always sound like I’ve got a cold. Which is great if you’re doing a video log about how terribly sick you are. Not so great if you’re just trying to talk. And 2) being fat. Well, I’m very comfortable with being fat right now and am losing the fat as we speak. See? Another pound down. And another and another. I have no problem with that now.

My voice is another thing. I can’t quite change it and I don’t think anyone wants to listen to me drone on for 8 minutes or so about my day. Much less give me views or likes other than, “Your voice is annoying. Stop. Just stop.” Or at least that’s how I have it pictured in my head. In actuality probably no one will care but me because who’s the biggest critic? Yourself. That’s right. So I’ve been experimenting with some videos of myself talking.

Aaaand I do feel like I’m experiencing the Ludovico Treatment when doing it, “Stop me! Stop! It’s okay. I’ll never make another video again! Stooooop! *sob*” Hopefully I can break through that barrier, too, like I’ve broken through the others. However…damn…what a barrier. I’ve never gotten too many complaints from people about it, but the only ones that seem to like it are women and I really suspect they’re just being nice to me. Sooo….anxiety sucks. Voices suck. Why’d have I have to get stuck with a voice where I sound sick all the time?

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