Skip to content

The Man And A Mask

August 12, 2015

I’ve spoken before about the topic of shame a few times on this web log and really what started me down this path of updating regularly and just working through it. I realized that a lot my issues boiled down to being ashamed to be me.It got so bad that at one point I considered FIDoAlmighty or FireIceDeath as a separate entity from me. Not in the sense of hearing voices and talking in the third person, but it constantly felt like whenever I got online I could be a different person. I wasn’t riddled with guilt or shame for myself and I could just let loose. I was wondering which was the mask and which person was really who I am.  In person you would never guess that I could just let loose because I’m tightly wound. In fact, I’m still tightly wound and kind of a coward when it comes to trying the new.

I’m not to the point of my father in dismissing everything new, but I am definitely afraid to just let loose and let go of whatever’s on my mind. I can’t even ask someone out without feeling like an idiot or just…not doing it. It’s something I’m slowly working on and things being as they are now…yeah, I can definitely do more and be more free than I used to be, but I’m still not able to just let go of things. I don’t shame myself into silence anymore, but I also am afraid to take big leaps.

In fact, taking this class is sort of scaring the hell out of me, but I want to do it. I want to get this shit over with and I’m tired of running away. Running away is for losers and people that shit themselves at the thought of just letting go of things. And that’s not who I aspire to be. But yeah, fuck shame too. I spent so much of my time saying these lines, “I’m not good enough,” or, “Why would they like me?” or any of the other thoughts–I’m sure if you’re reading this web log that you’ve had similar thoughts. But the thing about shame is that it’s a good illusion and it’s a good way to keep people at a distance. Friend invites you to a party? “I wanna go, but who would talk to me?” Or they invite you out for drinks or to go to a baseball game or whatever. It’s great for not having a life and ending up with no one.

Also: woe be upon you if someone tries to get close to you or if someone breaks that armor a little bit. I had it done to me (as you’re well aware) and I treated her like shit because I thought so lowly of myself. Why? Shame. She really didn’t do anything wrong…or…at least she didn’t until I fired the first volley and I was so wrapped up in my own shame that I only saw things clearly after the fact…when it didn’t matter for shit. Now she’s not speaking to me. But it makes you do stupid things and it makes you hate people that break that armor and manage to hurt you by breaking that visage of uncaring.

Of course I cared. I always cared and it wasn’t until it was too late that I could be totally open about it, but shame really does make you not want to care because caring sucks. Being vulnerable is dirty. It’s messy. Who the fuck does that? Not me until recently anyway. So I’ve decided to fight against it and there will be times where the shame comes back. Like today, this lifeguard’s been really sweet to me and I don’t even know her name and I meant to ask, but the coward in me backed down. She even said she was inspired by my turquoise hair to put in turquoise extensions of her own. That’s awesome. Why the hell don’t I ask for her name? You stupid fuck.

And it’s not even romantic interest, it’s just she seems like she’d be a groovay friend. It’s a constant struggle, but I no longer hate myself for it despite my salty language. I just need to get past that bullshit feeling of awkwardness. Anyway…what’s the point of this entry? I lost track. Oh! Yeah, don’t shame yourself into silence unless you like not living. In which case you can wear the mask of security while in the same moment screaming at yourself for being a fool and a bad person for letting shame make you go silent. I did it for years and still do it to a minor extent.

You just need to realize that your brain’s a scumbag piece of shit liar. Not everything is your fault. The world’s not going to hate you for your thoughts…well, unless your thoughts are racist, rapey, kiddie porn-y, or any other such foulness. But other than that feel free to spout any sort of thing that enters your brain hole. Who knows, people may like the person that’s hiding below the surface. I know I’m finding that out myself….16 years later. Jesus…wealp! Time to make up for lost time.

The big thing that’s helped me get through…well…everything that I’ve been through and that I’m currently fighting is to start accepting every side of yourself, including your dick-ish side–especially your dick-ish side. And don’t embrace it and become an asshole. But accept that you have the capacity for being malicious and work on not being that way. Or that you have anxiety and work on that or that you can be a bit of a coward, etc. Accept all sides and everything you’ve done or will do in the past, present, and future and work through them. Just give up the mask. It’s what I’m learning to do and I’m much happier with myself.

And if you have been a dick to anyone, hope that eventually they can forgive you for it eventually. In my experience it will happen eventually. Just not on your schedule. So be positive and stay positive and always fight the shame day by day.

Advertisements
No comments yet

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: