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August 21, 2015

I have no idea why I made that title. 

With the loneliness I’ve been thinking about what I value in a relationship and such and this is stupid to lay this all out, but I don’t mind the so-called ‘boring’ stuff. The tedious stuff like going into a woman’s shop with someone I’m interested in. Actually, I kind of enjoy it. Example: me and H-bomb went to The Body Shop, Sephora, and I went with her to a New Age shop, too. In fact…I’d dare say that’s what she liked about me. I wasn’t afraid to go into those places–even clothing stores don’t really intimidate me like they seem to do with my penile brethren. I enjoyed it. And not because I’m secretly looking for that coconut, shea butter body lotion that’ll feel so great against my skin and leave it looking healthy and young. Or a dress that matches my black sandals because yooohooooo!

No, I see it as a learning opportunity and taking an interest in their interests. I never knew there were so many notes of scents or that New Age shops are kinda warm all the time, but that their merch is sweet even if you don’t believe in it. I still wear the grounding ring I bought with her and the Ur rune. It reminds me of better days and hopefully they come around again. But yeah, it was enjoyable and I’d do it with whatever woman I was with. Guys complain they never know what to get their significant other, but from what I’ve seen from going to the mall and other shops a lot…they don’t really put in a lot of effort to get to know what their other half likes. Why not do it this way? And sorry if this makes it sound like there’s some ulterior motive in me being unafraid to go shopping with someone I’m interested in–there’s not. This stuff genuinely fascinates me and it can get interesting at times.

But no way will I ever see this as a chore to be done or an obligation of sorts. Sooo…yeah, the so-called ‘boring’ stuff I enjoy a lot. I also enjoy just being able to talk to someone and have them there and know that for that time of day or night…it’s just us. She never got that and subsequently we fought over it. We fought over many things, but that was the last fight. And now here I am web logging about it. So I think we know who the real winner was in that fight: the sun. Why? The sun always wins. It’ll win billions of years from now when it gobbles up this planet like Pac-Man. But really…this stuff occupies my mind quite often and always when I feel my lowest from being exhausted.

I do miss her…not the fighting. And if I had to do it all over again I’d be more honest with myself and with her. I’d tell her exactly how I felt and exactly what I wanted for us–which was a lot. However, and this is likely my innermost pessimism talking, it likely won’t come around again and that’s the real shame here. Ah well…learning from past mistakes is a great thing, although, and I told her this, if I’m going to be stuck in the past anywhere and with anyone at any point in my life that it’ll always be her. And will likely be her until I finally kick off.

Anyway…working on myself right now and having a lot of success with it but still not to the point where I don’t have peak boredom nights or longing to do something and the desperation to talk to someone–anyone. Hopefully that’ll happen eventually, too.

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