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Disconnected

September 9, 2015

I feel really disconnected from my friends these days and I’m not quite sure why and it invariably turns to the one person I was close with who’s no longer speaking to me. Even the friends I’m kind of close with I’m coming to the realization that there’s a big gap between them all. I try to chalk it up to the fact that I’m still making it through my anxiety and have become unreliable in their eyes. But that…sort of doesn’t explain it all. It feels like the only time anyone takes an interest in my life is when I come to them. I’m going to try it: I’m just not going to contact anyone and see what happens. I’m expecting the most depressing results ever since the ending of Lost, but who knows? I might get surprised.

It’s not that I even care all that much about making the first move. I haven’t exactly been the most present person in my friend’s lives, but it does get heartbreaking when I’m sitting at home wishing for someone to just say something or invite me out to do something. And it’s not like I’m all that unreliable now. True, there are still anxious moments and the inability to drive alone very far alone, yet. But for cripes sake, we’re not living in the boonies where you have to drive ten miles to find the nearest hangout.

And this is where I am right now. Alone. Bored. And desperately needing a close friend and the more this goes on the more I feel like bashing my head against a brick wall just to feel something other than this constant…emptiness. No, I’m not depressed, in a funk, or contemplating self harm, but I am just so disconnected from everyone that it feels like I get further and further into the nothingness each day. I have games galore, I have entertainment options that I could spend the next seventy years, at least stuck inside and watching shit. But this shit is getting boring. It’s getting stale. And while I’m sure some of my friends easily cope with this bit of tedium, I can’t stand it.  Again: not depressed. It’s just a fucking sad routine and I’m tired of being alone all of the time.

It’s the horror that’s just below my feet and threatening to overtake me. At this point I’d rather not stay at home doing nothing because I do it every day. My brother told me, “You might not want someone around all the time; so enjoy it while you can.” At this point I’d rather castrate myself with a chainsaw with how mind-numbing this routine’s becoming. I’m honestly sick of it. Can you rent someone else’s life? Because I’d totally go for that. Provided you’re not an addict or a drug dealer or serial killer. Or…well…no illegality in your life at all beyond the low level shit we all do every single day.

At this point I’m believing the ghost of Christmas past in Scrooged who said, “Garden slugs got more out of life than you,” and right now…they probably do! And I’d complain to my friends whom I currently feel this way about but then it just seems like whining. Like, “Oh! You just need to get out,” or they’ll bring up the fact that I’ve disappeared so it’s only right that they do or the ones who’ll take it personally, “Are you saying I’m a shitty friend?” No. I’m saying I was a shitty friend and now I want to rectify that but you at least need to make the effort as well!

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