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You Too Can Punch A Spider

September 17, 2015

I have no idea where that came from. 

I’ve been feeling somewhat content lately which means I actually am closer to happiness than I have been in a long fucking time. My old therapist gave me an article before he left that really changed my perspective on the whole happiness deal; it is not the zaney, gee-willikers feeling most people think it is. It’s contentment. It’s being pleased with yourself and where you’re at in your life at that moment that is ‘happy’. Most get that wrong and then they feel unhappy or discontent because they think, ‘I’m not really feeling excitement anymore,’ but that’s the point! Happiness can be exciting, don’t mistake me, but overall it’s just a feeling of contentment. 

And that’s where I am right now. I still have a long way to go and I’m working toward it, but where I am right now I’m happy. I’m happy with the little bit of socializing that I can do. And the little bit of driving alone that I can do, the class I’m in at school…it’s actually not too bad. I went the whole session yesterday without taking a klonopin. Nine months ago this is the same class I bailed on because my anxiety got to be too much. Now I can actually enjoy my time alone—mostly and I can finally fight for my life again. 

That’s a good feeling and one I’m immensely happy about, plus I’m 35lbs lighter and continuing to fight for that but I’m enjoying the little success I’ve had with it even if the needle’s not moving much. Why? Because I persevere. I meant it before when I said that’s how I’m going to feel about life from now on and I meant it. It’s why I’m not getting discouraged about the weight loss stalling a bit or having little moments of anxiety. I persevere and now I can actually hold my head up and not feel shame for just being me anymore. And that’s a great feeling that I hope I never lose again. 

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