Skip to content

Buying Condoms

September 27, 2015

Hi, are you planning to have sex tonight? Well, you better buy a condom, it’s only thinking proactively about trying to spread disease.  After all: you don’t want to be a carrier of disease or an accidental pregnancy, am I right?

WELCOME TO CONDOMTOWN! WHERE WE SELL CONDOMS BY THE BUCKET! WE’VE GOT RIBBED, WE’VE GOT LUBED, WE’VE EVEN GOT A CONDOM WITH A VIBRATING TIP! SO COME ON DOWN TO CONDOMTOWN FOR YOUR PROTECTION TODAY!

Ahem…sorry for that. I don’t like buying condoms. Just saying the word sounds…weird. But beyond that, my condom experience was thus: too many options. There. That may sound like me being lazy, but it’s true. I tried looking online for them to kind of scout out what kind I’d want to buy and I don’t even believe that a generic condom exists anymore. It’s all ultra-thin, ultra-ribbed, ultra-lubed and bleh. What the fuck? Do I really have to ask, “What’s your most generic condom? ” It’s madness. I’m not even all that embarrassed about buying condoms. No, any sort of embarrassment I have about the whole sordid affair is that I might buy some really ridiculous one without realizing it.

Who makes sex this complicated other than us? I realize the risk of disease is pretty high on our priorities, but if you’re going to make it that difficult to even buy protection then bring on the disease! And I hate that I even had to type out that sentence, but it’s true. It’s fucking confusing and since of my sexlessness I’m really at a loss as to what to buy. I even had to ask some friends about brands and such–that shouldn’t have to happen. You shouldn’t have to ask friends what works for them for something you’re buying for yourself like that.

Anyway, I did settle on Durex because they’re the least gimmicky. But sheesh…it’s goddamn ridiculous. I can see why someone would just prefer going natural if that’s the current state of sexual protection. Not out of embarrassment, but out of sheer confusion. I always thought that if you’re embarrassed about buying condoms then why are you even having sex? It’s nothing to be embarrassed about wanting to protect yourself and your partner. That makes you a good person. It’s the assholes that risk disease, but I can see why buying condoms is a huge fucking hassle.

Advertisements
No comments yet

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: