Skip to content

There’s Gonna Be Sex Tonight

September 27, 2015

Full disclosure: I’m still mostly a virgin, but I have had oral sex, gotten oral sex, and had many numerous sexual stuff without actually having sex. So virgin-ish. 

I started talking to this girl and things were fine, we were hitting it off–this was on a dating site–we were both in mutual agreement: Neither of us wants a relationship right now. Just a friend to have fun with and do stuff with. Because of my current anxiety and her lack of time. So! All this week we were flirting, she asked me to buy condoms, and I was fretting. See, sex is a catch-22 for me: I want it but at the same time the prospect kind of terrifies me because of the usual thoughts, “What if I’m not any good?”, “What if she doesn’t like what I have?”, “Will I die?” Yes, the last one may seem far-fetched even for me, but remember: anxiety is great for giving death fantasies and since I’m still a fairly large guy…yeah.

Anyway, Friday gets here, I’m nervous all day and close to a panic attack by the time she got here, I even got the condoms I was too anxious to buy earlier in the day. Everything’s set. Cool. I was being responsible, aaaand nothing happens. At all.  Oh, we had a great conversation and she brought some alcohol and such. But nothing happened and she ended up leaving early. Then I text her to tell her I enjoyed having her over. Aaaaaand she texts me that she’s not sexually attracted to me and she didn’t want to string me along, but hey! We can still be friends! I’m still considering that last one.

I’m told all the time that I shouldn’t take these things personally. Don’t take rejection personally, don’t let it hurt you, and the ever favorite: she doesn’t owe you anything. This sort of rejection is different, though, this isn’t that someone thought your hair color wasn’t what she wanted or that I was some rabid conservative and she was some bleeding heart liberal. We both got on fine. We talked, we laughed at each other’s jokes, etc. But having someone tell you they’re not sexually attracted to you is probably the worst thing that can be said to someone.

Anyway, I took it fairly well initially, but then it started eating away at me. Not because of some, “How dare you, we had plans!” But more taking it to heart and feeling like there’s something fundamentally wrong with me. If I weren’t so much of a virgin I’d probably have taken it a lot easier, but I’m not and I’m terrible at even being ready for a casual thing so I overcame my anxieties and I overcame my questioning of this whole situation I put myself in. And nothing. Worse than nothing, being told I wasn’t worth their time, in so many words. And that I’m 33 and it hasn’t happened yet really makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me when the closest I got was with H-bomb.

I’m probably making this sound more like a competition and sleazier than I mean to. No, this isn’t my underlying goal with every woman I meet–if I were I’d probably have more success, but I do hate being a virgin for several reasons:

  1. Like with having AIDS and having a baby at home, being a virgin isn’t the mark of pride that it used to be unless you’re religious or plan on saving yourself for someone–neither of which I am. Meaning that when you tell a woman you’re virgin–at least in my experience–there’s a sense of pity. Not much, but, “Wow..you’ve never had sex? What’s wrong with you and why haven’t you?” So already you’re off to a broken gallop. Then, also in my experience, they worry it’ll be awkward and won’t be any good. So! There’s even a hesitation to even touch you.
  2. It does signify that no one finds you attractive enough to have sex with. That sounds shallow, but it does. Have you tried? Yes I have. Oh. is your thing deformed? Are you that repulsive? And so on and so on.
  3. Lastly I just hate not being with anyone. I like intimacy and I don’t even really care if it’s a cuddle or anything else beyond that. I blame H-bomb for that one because it did feel really nice and it felt nice knowing that I was that close to someone and we could be ourselves. I miss it. And I hate being this way.

This all sounds like I’m placing a high premium on having sex, but I’m not. My full-assed attempts at doing it are few and far between, but I do get really fucking hurt when a whole week goes by and we’re planning for something and it doesn’t happen. That does cut deeply into me. And I can’t really be mad at her for not being attracted to me. It’s not like I’m some Don Juan and how dare you not have sex with me. No, but I can be mad at her for being so forward about it and planning for it and she backed out. That I can be mad about. Next time don’t be so fucking forward with someone if you think there’s a chance you might not be attracted to them. There is that part.

After all of this I have to wonder what have I learned? I’m really bad at being casual with anyone. Never agree to something sight unseen, which is just good practice in any kind of situation, also: make sure she’s attracted to me first and don’t rush into things. And at least I did buy condoms for whichever drunk and/or desperate woman wants to have sex with me. That sounds like I’m punching myself with that statement, but at this point, does anyone really blame me for thinking that that’s the only way any woman would be attracted to me? Also, buying condoms did give me enough material for my next entry.

Also also: To anyone that says, “Why don’t you just lie?” I don’t really believe in it. Say you do end up going the distance with someone (not marriage, but sex) and they find out…it’s not the worst lie you could tell someone, but it also says something about your character that you would lie about something so trivial–and it is trivial, it’s just an annoying triviality that people place a high emphasis on. So I’d rather not start any potential relationship or casual thing with someone on the basis of a lie. You might as well lie about having an STD if you can’t even be honest about how many sexual partners you’ve had. And my anthem.

Advertisements
3 Comments leave one →
  1. September 27, 2015 4:47 pm

    It’s interesting to see a male’s perspective on virginity. I typically do not think of men as having any type of insecurity regarding how attractive women might find them. I guess this is a feeling that goes across both genders.

    • September 27, 2015 5:26 pm

      It does. Even more so than it did in the past. I’m not saying it’s ‘better’ then or now. But the pressure is still there along with the stigma of being a virgin if you’re a guy. For me, though, it’s never been about any sort of peer pressure or anything. Just that I feel it lowers my chances of getting into a relationship because the stigma cuts both ways. If you’re a guy and a virgin and you tell your prospective lover…’ehh…in my experience it’s been less than flattering. I had one person say she didn’t feel comfortable with the idea of doing it because she was worried that it would be awkward and wouldn’t be any good.

Trackbacks

  1. Rolling Downhill | FIDo Almighty's Web Log Of Wonderment

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s