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Knowledgey Knowledge Burden

September 30, 2015

My dad recently told me that the insides of my tires were bald and I had a couple of screws in one of them as well, but not deep enough for it to lose air. Before I knew this I was driving everywhere I needed to go and I felt pretty confident that I’d get there. I even drove to my mother’s by myself which is not too far, but enough that I wouldn’t want to risk anything going wrong. After my dad informing me about my tires? Just a few places in close distance and never alone. He laughed because I’d done a whole lot before then with no issue so what changed? Well, I now knew what I was dealing with and I didn’t want to risk it. It’s very weird how knowledge changes how a person can act. Sometimes you ignore the knowledge like eating poorly despite knowing what it does to your body and other times–like with the tires, you don’t.

I had a crack on my iPhone for about 2 years before I fucked that up completely and definitely had to get it replaced due to me wanting it for Fallout 4’s Pip Boy edition and that’s not even my primary phone anymore. Anyway, when the crack first occurred I didn’t even want to do much with it because I was so afraid of breaking it further little did Past FIDo know, that wouldn’t be for awhile and due to carelessness of it becoming ‘normal’. Yeah, that’s the other fucked up thing: if you deal with a problem for a long time, you can usually work around it. Like my fucked up right side. I’ve just learned to live with it and adapt.

This all feeds into my anxiety, though. See, when I was depressed and not feeling great I was a really bad hypochondriac–still am, sort of. Less so these days, but still…aches equal bad things. My knowledge of the horrors of human health or lack of health do get me paranoid. I had an episode of that this week where I went to the ER because of a problem and they really couldn’t find anything. It’s clearing up, but yeah…fucking knowledge. I definitely suffer from infobesity which is a large accumulation of knowledge and it fucks me over every day. I wish I could shut it off, but nah…my brain likes to remind me that I do have these ideas rolling around in my noggin and it creeps up silently during my day.

Still, I don’t like being ignorant of things and I would prefer to be informed than misinformed or uninformed. So, while my knowledge is a burden and having it is really fucking annoying some days, it is useful to have and it does make me more appreciative of how much I have overcome it to fight back. And that knowledge is worth more to me than being ignorant. Now, if only there were a way to shed info pounds I’d be set. I guess the biggest trick is just to not think about them, but when your memories and thoughts closely resemble a pinball machine…’ehh…that’s a real tricky prospect.

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